What fights me at every turn, throwing up a wall of resistance to change? What lurks in the shadows of my mind ready to pounce on self determination? What seeks to return me to the dysfunction of my status quo?
FEAR
I have called it the beast because it is so ruthless, cold and dominating. But the truth is that this beast is something I created, a Frankenstein, to protect me. I may have picked up a natural tendency to defer to fear, let fear have its way, from my mother, but I have used it to my advantage, formed it into my own disfigured creation. Why would I do such a thing? Why would I create something that would eventually control and demoralize me?
Protection. Plain and simple, as a child I needed protection, fear provided that service in a way nothing else could, or that I could not get from my parents. Fear kept me out of situations where I might be further rejected, or risk failure. Fear from accepting myself now, from living in the present, kept acceptance of myself in the future where it would be safe. As a child, I could no longer suffer the slings and arrows of daily life. I needed to protect myself from anymore damage that might challenge my right to exist.
Fear then has been more like a bodyguard. I have grown up with this little kid inside, "the real me", and on the outside this shell of an adult, "the non-me" could suffer rejections and failures with out damaging the psyche, because that me was expendable, that me was only the temporary, imperfect copy.
The fat around my body has become a literal shield, something to keep life at bay, to protect the little kid inside from those dangers, to protect me from making any mistakes until the day when I was perfect and no longer needed that protection.
Look what happens when I have reached my goals in the past, how I have gone back to the old ways and the old fat so quickly. When I lost the weight in the past, it was like achieving the goal I set for my perfection, I was now going to have to live that perfect life, rejection and failure was now going to be on the "real me". Fear, my protector, made it easy to go back where it was safe.
Anxiety, self loathing, frustration. These are the signs that the real world is creeping into my fantasy. The healthy me wants to risk it, wants to get out there and live life, make my mark, do something that really is important to me, to suffer failure and attain success. My dysfunction wants to protect me, unaware of time passing, its only drive - protect the kid.
Do I have all the answers? Probably not. I think I at least have the basics of it all. Will this knowledge be enough turn things around, live a healthy, productive life? Can I reconstruct my life from such self wreckage?
It's like I was the captain of a dysfunctional ship I built, and wrecked, on the shores of a distant island. I have figured out why and how the ship went ashore, do I have what it takes to put it back together and set out on the horizon?
This is fascinating. You don't find very many people who are this honest with themselves, let alone being this honest with all of blogland.
I myself am a writer, and yet I don't have the power to write ME, not anywhere close to yours. But I do have what it takes to recognise myself in the writing of another! Thanks for posting this! I know I'm starting late, but I can't wait to see what happens next!
Posted by: Brandi | April 08, 2007 at 07:13