It's midnight here and with greasy fingers i tap out a few more words. I just raided the fridge. not sure why, looking for something. Food seems to satisfy me, to literally fill a void. We eat when we are bored, we eat during events we eat when we are lonely or when we are trying desperately to fix something broken. Food is always there, like the company of a good dog, unconditional love. We blame food for our problems, we use food to fix our problems.
Sometimes, especially late at night like this, I long for some control over my life. Yeah, I am overweight, maybe even threatening my health, but more than that, I just want to be able to control me, and it seems that I can't. I hate that. I know that I choose to be fat for some reason. I also know that I hate being fat. what part of me wants it and what part of me hates it? It is like some kind of war going on inside me and I just happen to be in the crossfire.
Taste. Satisfaction. Boredom. Dependable. Gratification.
What makes me open the fridge or raid the pantry? What makes me choose to perpetuate something that i loathe about myself? I keep coming back to that question but I don't seem to have any answer.
" What makes me choose to perpetuate something that i loathe about myself? "
That really is the questions isn't it? I wish I knew. Its the day after halloween and i've eaten about 36 candy bars out of my kids stash. I'm feeling sick and yet I will have a few more before the night is over. Its almost like the only "fun" i have is eating. I work all day at my job, take care of the kids and then its party time for me!
I hate being fat but it must serve me somehow. I know I'm depressed but its like the chicken and egg. Am I depressed because I'm fat or am I fat because I'm depressed.....
Posted by: fatmom | November 01, 2008 at 20:56
i think sometimes i dont make more of an effort because then no-one will bother me or look at me maybe being fat protects me from stuff change is a hard thing
Posted by: jenny | September 01, 2008 at 14:20