Fatso

I am watching this movie as I am blogging, called "Fatso" (HBO). Its a 1980 flick, written and directed by Anne Bancroft, starring Dom DeLuise. In a way its kinda significant, 1980 was the very same year I started becoming obsessed about my body image and my weight, it's been a struggle ever since.  I know, I know, a very long time indeed.

This was the beginning of the fitness trend, the era of diet sodas, aerobics gyms, leg warmers and jogging suits.  This was also the very beginning of the fattening of America, the beginning of the steady climb towards obesity run rampant, to today where 6 out of 10 Americans are overweight. Any correlation?

Of course the movie is all about him being fat, and trying to lose weight. In the movie, the sudden death of his young overweight cousin and his desire to be with a woman he meets, brings him to the conclusion he must lose weight. Fear and desire, good motivators to be sure, but enough to drop 100 pounds? he  joins the "Chubby Checkers" (Weight Watchers) and he eventually falls hard, binging several times. After a particularly huge binge of $40 dollars worth of Chinese food (that's like $4,000 today!), he comes to the conclusion that he should lose weight, but its just not going to happen until he loves himself, accepts himself, first.

There is one thing I can't get past though, what would Dom DeLuise be like, who would he be, if he was not fat? Would he be the same person, have the same feelings? Would we recognize him as the same guy?

I mean, what if it is natural to be fat? Maybe you can't be any other way, maybe its in you, in your blood, your bones, your brain. Maybe its just simply who you are.

I was reading an interesting article in the Boston Globe a few days ago about the uproar over the government's revised data that maybe being over-weight can be good for you. The article is based on the CDC re-releasing their stats on deaths related to obesity and how they downsized it quite a bit. They also said that subjects slightly over-weight had less health problems than those under-weight. The news was shocking to most health professionals having researched the effects of obesity for decades with the belief that it simply is not good. Many scientist think the change is dubious and doubt the new numbers. I think the CDC downsizing their number is a little suspect myself, it smacks of government gerrymandering, perhaps under the influence of certain large corporations worried about law suits?

But it does bring up an important subject, why is it not okay to be fat? Or at least, it brings this up to me, should I give up this long struggle and simply accept the fact that I am fat? Are the "health" reasons the real issue for me or are the "vanity" issues? If the health reasons are diminished, does that diminish the importance of them in my life? What really drives successful weight-loss in people? Vanity, health, lust, envy?  If you are not really sure why you are doing it, it makes it a very hard thing to achieve indeed.

I don't know, for me the health reasons are certainly real, I worry about the diabetes that runs in my family but I can't say that it is a driving force to lose weight. Is it vanity? Maybe when I was 20 something but now...not so much. I think it has to be, for me at least, self control and the fact that I don't have any. I hate the fact that I can't say no to a cheese and mayo sandwich! I hate not being able to use moderation and sustain balance in my life, I worry what kind of example that is for my kid.

I like food, hell, I LOVE food, but I want to control it, I don't want it controlling me!

Maybe I should just let go of this obsession, stop feeding it with fear and self loathing. What would happen if I just accepted myself the way I am, gave up this game? Would the desire for late-night snacks and things "I can't have" disappear? Can I lose weight simply by giving up?

Comments

[Faith]

Everybody asks me how I'm doing it this time. What I'm doing differently from all the other times I tried to quit drinking.

I'm NOT THINKING ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.

Going to meetings every single day, rehab six hours a day, group therapy, reading, thinking, dreaming about alcohol 24-7. Jeez. All the trying not to drink made me want to drink!!!

I'm joking just a little. But just a little. For me, doing all the things they tell you to do just kept reminding me of my alcoholism. I needed to occupy my mind with something besides alcohol. Because I'm telling you, if you put that stuff in front of my face all the damn time, I'm going to drink it.

[Margaret]

I think we all are who we are to a certain extent. I would rather be overweight than a lot of things! You may have hit the nail on the proverbial head about not caring so much--maybe trying too hard brings on a lot of the cravings. Thinking and worrying about it less could be the path to acceptance OR change. (thus speaks a woman who has a stash of 4 bags of Wasabi chips in the cupboard!)