First off, I gotta say up front, what a wonderful group of new friends I have made. I have a few friends, neighbors, family, but not really anyone that knows this stuff about me. You have read some of the archives, and your still around. Cool. Thanks.
Now the disclaimer....
WARNING! The following post is not funny, or witty or smart. Trying to regroup my thoughts and you are all going to suffer! Do not feel compelled to read nor reply, I understand! There will probably be many posts over the next few days, turn away now and it will all be over soon!
These are just my thoughts on the matter, stupid and incoherent, and they are no substitute for seeking professional help...
Ahem, now where was I, oh yes...
I think, for me anyway, the worst of it is not being fat (suffering the slings and arrows for vanities sake), it is all the things that hide behind it. Held back, kept in check as if not to upset the calming lake of certainty.
Being fat has kept me, and does keep me, from doing a great many things with my life. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why I choose this lifestyle, to keep me from trying, failing and being judged. When I was young, it was simply avoiding social situations, or even holding off things that I loved doing (like going to museums) because I did not "deserve it". I would say to myself, "I will do that when I am thin", "I will go there when I am in shape". I had to earn it.
Some part of me has always believed I am imperfect, broken, that I need to be fixed somehow. So I held back, did shit that didn't matter to me, passed the time with things not part of the real me.
Then my son came into to my life, a wonderful little man with needs and desires all his own. I was determined to not do the things that I had experienced (or more to the point, did not experience) with my parents, I wanted my son to be part of life, culture, the arts. I started to go to museums, plays, events of all kinds, things I would never, ever consider doing alone. He brought me out of that, made me overcome that "fear". I did those things, and continue to do those things, for him and with him. Yeah, right now he could care less, he'd rather play Xbox, but at least he'll have the memories, if and when he needs them.
For me personally though, it seems like my desires got driven even further down into the abyss. I still hold back personal things and blame it all on being fat. The career I was supposed to pursue, the degree I meant to get, the book I never finished writing. If it was not for the fact that I can hide behind anonymity here in blog world, I never would have done that either.
Fat then becomes like a dam, holding back this vast big lake of my life, and the lake keeps getting bigger. I throw buckets of "shoulds" in there and because the world keeps turning, days, like rain, keep adding up. It overflows, It leaks from time to time (like now) but I always seem to patch things up. It is still an ill-conceived, unnatural construction, which in reality, must come down. Perhaps if I was to break the dam, the lake would flow and the river would take its natural course.
What is the dam? What holds me back? I've been here before, I know the answer to this one - FEAR.
Fear of being found out, fear of failing, fear of being judged, fear of not doing "it" or being "it" perfectly. And only when the outside fear is greater than the inside fear have I ever been able to crack that dam.
Damn.
You have analysed it so well; I think for me, my excuse has always been the kids. That's why I don't have a masters, don't go back to France, etc... It is somewhat legitimate, but also a cop out. I'm afraid of too much change.
Posted by: Margaret | May 18, 2005 at 08:54