taking tests, wasting time

I have stared at it for hours. Fiddled with it. Erased it. Calculated it. I am avoiding it.

I made a few decisions while I was on my trip, really probably even before that, but the space and time of not thinking about things, made them easier to accept. I want to do them. Yet for some reason I have been avoiding posting them here, getting sick was real, but it was also pretty convenient and helped me to artfully dodge the issues.

I don't want to post them because I don't want to be accountable for them. I don't want the world to know what I know, that here are a few things I should be doing, and I do not. I don't want the world to nag me to get on with it. I am afraid to confront, to challenge to fail and so I avoid, I linger, I dally.

What is the big freaken deal? I don't know. These tasks are not monumental, just incremental. Further more, I really want to do them. I think that is the problem, they are personal, dear to me, close and so I fear them. I can not fail them because to do so means that I will have failed as a person. I struggle with this perfectionism thing everyday, if I can't get it just right, I do not do it at all.  It is a paralyzing thought, whose actions (non-actions) spill over into my personal, professional life.

I spent the entire evening last night doing these tests on Psychology Today's website. They have these self help diagnostic tests to see if you have a problem in this area or that. I went first to the "Food and Diet" problem area. I scored a 30 out of 100, the analysis declared that I had a healthy attitude, "above average" view of food and health and told me to keep up the good work! I was incredulous, so I took it again, twice! I changed a few answers here and there, same score. WTF!

Then I went over to the "addiction" section and took a test to see if living with a drunk father for 20 years might have effected me. Yes, was the result, scored a 13 out of 20 questions in the affirmative. That is a whole lot better than I did a few years ago, when it was 20 out of 20. I must be getting better with that one.

Then I went to the "personality" section and took a test to check my perfectionism. Scored a 70 out of 100 on that one. Suggested I might need some help with this from a professional and happily suggested a few in my area who would graciously accept 100 dollars an hour to teach me perfect is the enemy of good.

The bottom line? My problem is NOT with food, it is with growing up in a dysfunctional family, developing an unhealthy attitude towards perfectionism to cope with an unhealthy inferiority complex and stunted identity growth.

The bottom, bottom line? Stop wasting time with on-line tests, they only confirm what you already know anyway...and stop wasting time with this post, you have decisions to make and things to do dammit!

Comments

[Faith]

Okay, dude. Tell us your tasks. We are umpteen miles away and can't REALLY hold you accountable. But if you write them down maybe you will feel the pressure to get them done. Having things hovering right over your head adds to your stress, especially given your perfectionism.

As for why you have the issues that you do? Who freakin' cares. You're much more concerned with dealing with them, as you should be.

Did that sound bad?? I always talk to you like I've known you forever, so please excuse my overzealous commenting.

Love ya!

[FB]

Oh, no pressure from you guys at all, just complaining about the rest of the world! I think it’s called unjustified paranoia!

[Margaret]

OOPS--it's pouring down rain now and blowing into the open windows. I swear it was just 70 degrees!

[Margaret]

I love those on-line tests! I don't always trust them unless they give a continuum of answers and not just three multiple choice. They don't always fit too well otherwise. FB, you don't have to feel any pressure from whatever you post on this site. We are your fan club and your cheerleaders; whatever you decide to do is fine with us. Hugs from up north in semi-sunny WA.