the crucible moment

I think of my situation like that, hot molten iron being poured into a mold, at the critical point where this material can be made into something useful. I never pour, or rarely do anyway. I am afraid of something, something that prevents me from casting into hardened steel. That point, when the crucible is filled, cooled and made into what will be, forever, that moment scares the hell out of me. I must remain fluid and resist the urge to "cast" myself into anything.  I don't want to be "set", what if I fuck it up? What then?

All the best of plans, schedules, mind tricks, self-help mantras, "psyching up", perfect days...all of it means nothing really, it will all be stopped, held, frozen, at that crucible moment...waiting...waiting...waiting....

And it isn't just about weight-loss, it's all things I hold near and dear, anything I attach to me personally, anything that can define me.

Somehow I have to deal with this moment, really look into the dark burning fear of it. Why? What does it mean? Yes I have done that infinite times, but I must be missing something, something that will release "me", allow me to flow. Something.

Comments

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[mb]

hey do you know of any references to this problem in literature (any form)? your post is helpful.