There's something happening here

... what it is ain't exactly clear"

Yes I have been busy, but I was busy before and managed to blog. Yes I have been confronted with a lot of unplanned bull and time consuming crap, but I was before and managed to post, so...what is going on? I wish I knew for certain. At the end of the day, my usual time for surfing, blogging, posting, I just could not do it. I did not even want to open my laptop.

And it wasn't just the blogging, as a matter of fact, I could not get into any of the things I usually do to pass the time. My favorite television shows could not draw me to the couch, football and Xbox got a heavy sigh and a "pass".  And, get this, I had to remind myself to eat the junk foods I have so enjoyed as entertainment and substitutes for boredom. My thinking was "Eh, I will eat it tomorrow if I want to".

As a matter of fact, over the last 2 weeks, I have lost 7 pounds! One would think, given my largeness, that it would matter to me, but it does not. I could really care less.

Now, the first thing I thought of was depression, I mean it hits all the main points right? I have had depression before, so I can recognize it easily, but it is different this time, it does not feel the same way. I am not sad, I don't hate myself for being fat, It feels more like a pause.

Yeah, that is it, a pause. For the first time in a very very long time, losing weight, getting in shape, all the stuff that has controlled, manipulated, ruined my life, it all just does not seem that fucking important right now (pardon my French, too lazy to insert asterisks).

Other things in my life seem much more important to me, things not really related to my body, things like my accomplishments, or I should say, the sum of my parts. Like, "do I have anything to contribute to the world, to humanity, and am I ever going to get around to doing it", kinda thing. Whenever I went to the "web", I just felt like I was in a foggy limbo, and could not really say anything pertinent, or relevant to anyone else until I figured it out. As you can tell, I have not yet.

For me right now, it seems like my brain is doing a little reorganizing, resetting some priorities. Then again, I could be in one massive state of denial. Maybe I just need more sleep. Late night jabbering gone mad. Oh well, I am looking forward to reading more about what has been going on in everyones corner of the blogosphere tomorrow and hoping I can find the time to do it, find the time to get back "in it". Secretly, honestly, exasperatingly, I am hoping, somehow, that I can collect my fragmented thoughts and piece then together into something solid, something meaningful, something useful.

Nahhh, scratch that, I just want to get 8 hours. Good night!

Comments

[claudia]

i hate being fat-like you-i can see my belly jiggle-not cute at all-it has sucked my whole day today-i have been depressed-i weighed myself this morning-i just gave up a while ago--i dont feel motivated-just deeply and profoundly disappointed and disgusted--i pray for a miracle-a motivating "a-ha" moment-or a heart attack-i really dont like myself or my uncontrollable urge to eat until i want to throw up--what am i trying to drown? what the hell am i doing? i gotta pray-hasnt worked yet.-just needed to vent

[FB]

You both are probably right and as usual have good advice and counsel! I think I just need some space, at least this time I did not delve into the pantry to find it!

[Margaret]

We all need to recharge our batteries and thoughts now and then. I wouldn't read too much into it. Just wait until school starts. I'll be a raving lunatic; I so look forward to that. (sarcasm) Congrats on the 7 pounds--maybe it's better not to care so much about the weight loss, and just let it happen. Take care and get some sleep, chuck. Good grief, I was in bed before you and I'm not working right now.

[Denise]

Hmmmm reflection is a good thing, just don't let yourself go too deep. Have you considered moving to a "maintenance" mode for a bit while you sort your feelings and goals out? It might help give you a little space and it might help generate some "sparks" for you.

Hang in there!