I won't say that I am a mess, things around me are good, but I will say that I have become adrift within them. I have definitely lost my way...again.
Since Sept. 1, to be precise. I do not blame it on anything other than a lack of self discipline. Shit happens right? The weak get torn apart by it, at the very least distracted, the strong keep moving on. I suppose one could say I lack the courage of my convictions, lack the will to make changes, even small ones, AND STAY ON TRACK. I am yelling at myself here, not you. GET UP YOU FAT F#*K, GET MOVING!
Yes, things are different. I am not obsessed anymore about my body (good), I am getting fatter everyday (bad). The worst of it seems to be that because I am not A) dieting B) training, I don't bother to do c) anything else. I just wander from event to event in my life, unable to keep the focus on what I want to do. I DO NOT think this is an accident.
This is by choice. I truly believe that it is only avoidance, fear of trying something I might fail at. Yes, I know, believe me I know, it is better to try and fail than not try at all, blah blah, unless you are a perfectionist procrastinating freak of nature who has made this a way of life. I was beginning to beat the habit of it down, but it has roared back with a vengeance and knocked me to the ground. I could get up, but here I sit, debating the prospects of getting up...what is the point? While the debate rages, food, the choice, the freedom, and of course the taste of it, provides an instant relief. Believe it or not, my problem is NOT food, it is something else, dark and hidden. Food is my tool of choice, like alcohol was with my father. "Hey kid, you need something to kill the pain". What pain? Life is good damn it!
I have been here before, anyone who has read my blog knows this, and most likely dreads it. It is the periodic wasteland I fall into, the morass of my own ass. Like a ship stuck in the Sargasso Sea, unable to motor under its own power, I wait for the wind to blow me in a direction, any direction. I find myself here too often, more often than not I think.
I have high hopes, I always do. Just a short few posts ago I was waxing poetic about my "chances", my "focus", my "purpose". What were those again? If I have to go back and re-read them to find out, I am in trouble... and I am in trouble.
I won't say that I am a mess though...
It's funny that you've mentioned the fear of failure so many times. Every time I see it here, I go, "OH god, that's me!!!" I've noticed that so much in my life, but from dating to the way I mother my daughter. But mostly, it's in my cooking, and my working-out type activites. I shy away from cooking new things, or even from cooking "from scratch" because ... what if I can't do it? What if it's horrible? Aside from the fact that whenever I gather up some nerve and invent a new dish, the people around me crowd in to eat it ...
But exercise? I do it there too. I avoid doing things, because I might not be able to get it right. Or make it work ... and like it ... excuses excuses. I did it with Pilates, and then buckled down. I couldn't do it ... crushed ego. But I kept at it, kept going, and now I can do it.
How do you get over that fear? How do you make it work for you? How can you take the fear of failure and force it to become your drive to succeed? If you figure it out, let me know, LOL ...
Posted by: Brandi | April 11, 2007 at 10:00
A bit of low-level depression perhaps? Here is what I think: Focus on something completely outside yourself. See what happens.
Hope that didn't sound trite. While I am not the poster child for mental health, this has helped me in more ways than I can count.
Posted by: Michelle | October 30, 2005 at 18:18
Ah, the woes of being human. Our existence can be quite shitty, can't it?
What you are going through is perfectly normal (I think). You get your mind straight - you make a firm stand - and life throws rotten veggies at you, laughing all the while. As a result, you fall off of the wagon.
Is that so bad? No. You simply take a shower, throw on some clean clothes, and get back on the wagon. You're beating yourself up...and for what? Being human? Chuck, give yourself some room. No one ELSE expects perfection from you.
(Damn...someone needs to be telling ME this stuff...lol).
Sending good vibes your way.
Posted by: Dana | October 30, 2005 at 07:25
Well, if you are a mess, you are in good company. I feel so fucked up it is well, fucked up!
The Bar grades are out this week, no news on possible new job, exam to take Friday, can no longer afford therapy, feel like shit, not working out, my clothes closets are horrible, I can't find anything, my desk is a mess, etc., etc.
And I feel hopeless.
Posted by: Jaye | October 29, 2005 at 19:11
You are NOT a mess at all; you are a normal human being like the rest of us. We are all adrift in ways that can involve food, drink, advanced college degrees(gulp) and as many issues as there are people. Our lives do go in cycles--right now you are in a valley. I am too in a different way. Hang in there, Chuck. I have faith that anyone who can self-analyse as well as you do will get back on track.
Posted by: Margaret | October 29, 2005 at 13:28