Right now

there is an internal debate going on inside my head about the whole weight loss "thing". No, there are no voices other than my own!

It goes something like this:

What is the point of trying to lose weight?  All you ever end up doing anyway is gaining it!

Good point, but there IS real value in improving and regaining ones health. Your physical health is the lynch-pin to the rest of your life.

Why?

Well, because if you don't have your health, you don't have anything.

Do you really believe that bullshit?

No...kinda.

OK then, what is this really about.

I do not like myself when I am fat. I like myself when I am not. When I like myself I have more confidence, I do more things, I take more risks. I live, I don't just exist.

So then, when you are fat, you just exist, you go with the flow, you let the currents take you instead of charting your own course?

Yes.

I will tell you a little secret, can I tell you a little secret?

Yes.

People do what  they really want to do, there is nothing telling you to do otherwise. You are choosing this.

But I am miserable, why would I choose this?

How the hell should I know. Are you sure you are miserable?  What else are you?

Safe, content, comfortable.

Ahhh, safe, that old chestnut. We are creatures of habit after all, often choosing the path of least resistance.  What makes it safe I wonder?

Hope makes it safe. As long as I am fat, there is hope that I will not be. I grew up with hope, that is all I had, to discard hope for a better tomorrow, a better me, means to live with reality, it means to live with today. That means acceptance, that is risky, that is scary.

Why does hope have to be discarded? What about hope for a better tomorrow for more than just yourself? Hope for others?

Yeah, sure, everyone wants that, but it is just hyperbole.

I suppose, but its a good thing MLK didn't think so, Gandhi, Jesus or Benjamin Franklin.

The world is different now.

It sure as hell is... all the more reason.

Ok, so you are saying that I am not important, the world is, and that I should stop griping about my fat ass and help others less fortunate.

Not exactly. Try this. Whatever you do or don't do about your weight does not really matter in the "big scheme" of things. Your actions, reactions, distractions throughout your life are what matters. It is impossible to define yourself by obsessing about your body, in fact the great irony is that only through selflessness can you be so defined.

In English this time please..

You are only what you do. Period. So do something....

I want to, but it feels like I can't. I doubt myself too much. If I can't even control my eating, how am I going to gather the courage to make any kind of difference, or for that matter, be successful at anything?

Your eating is out of control because you want it to be. You make a conscious decision to eat more than you need or burn because you are constantly thinking you are going to go on a diet, therefore everything you say you can't have becomes more appealing, more desirable, more tantalizing...which in turn means more  of you. Remember when your son was two? If you said "Don't touch that" what was the first thing he did?

Touch it.

Right.

OK, I got that, I understand that. But does that mean that losing weight and getting healthy should not be a serious and important priority in my life?

Look, no, of course not. All I am saying is that you are picking at a scab, not letting it heal. Is there a person left in this country that does not know what a calorie is? You know what to do, let the obsession go, and maybe your body will follow it through.

Trusting my body would be difficult. Thinking about changing myself that way has been my identity for the last two decades. That is a long time.

Yes it is, and how has that worked out for you?

Same thing everyday, with no real lasting results.

Ok, I think then it is time to try something different. What is the worse that could happen? You get fat? You already are, you know you can't eat much more than you already do. There is no where to go but down, in a good way.

Ok, but I need a plan.....

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!    Forget the whole damn thing, you ARE insane!!!

Well there it is for all to see. It seems silly writing it out like that, but even more silly reading it over. There it is in all its glory, the Frank Gorshin of my mind, like his Gemini character in the original Star Trek, doomed to wrestle with himself for all eternity. I think one thing is clear, one of these "people" has to go before I start to hear them talk for real!

Comments

[Tonya]

You've been talkin' to Dr. Phil!!! "How's this working for ya, FB?" Hey, I think what you want and need to do is reasonable and doable. Take your time, take it easy, and be good to yourself.

[Margaret]

You are a great therapist. I think you need to listen to the logic of just eating reasonably and not denying yourself. What's the worst that could happen?

[Denise]

This is terrific, FB. Like therapy, only cheaper. I think you ought to keep doing this, (like you could actually STOP doing this, right?). It will help in the long run, I think.