Perspective

It is a funny thing. What seems important to some, or one, might not to others and may even seem down right trivial to a few. While you might be wailing on some personal drama in your life, some one else might be about the loss of a loved one. And then you feel stupid and small.

This occurred to me right after I posted the pictures of myself. Many of my blogging buddies offered support and kind comments, even strangers, but they all had the same underlying meaning...your not that fat.

I suppose it is true, I am not as fat as I may have led people to believe. I do not have 100 pounds to lose, I am just your typical over-weight American dude. Still, I have to say, I don't think it was ever really about the fat. It is about my perception of myself, that I need fixing. One would assume that even if I lose the entirety of the 50 pounds, then there will be something else to fix. Perhaps that is why I resist losing the weight so readily, my sub-conscious does not want to face that reality.

I think there are many people like me out there, men and women, fixated, even obsessed on a symptom they may have created to avoid looking at the disease. Me, being curious and a perfectionist, am bound (as in the hand tied sense) to figure it out somehow. Hence the angst, hence the blog.

Not too long ago I came across another blog discussing mine. In it they talked about my picture and how they were surprised that I was so normal looking for the all the wailing I do about being fat, having only 50 pounds to lose. "Try to lose 100", they said. I think they are missing the point. It would not matter for me, or many of us, whether it was 100, 50, 20 or 10 pounds, when it comes to a hole that needs filling, and a perception of yourself, all that matters is that you are not who you really are. Not sure if that makes sense, but I have a feeling it might make sense to a few out there.

To me it seems like a large problem and has since I was a teen. I always considered myself in need of fixing. I needed more muscles, I needed less fat. Such is the life of a teenager, normal, maybe even healthy to an extent. I never grew out of it. I look back on pictures of myself then, hell even five years ago, and I keep saying, what was I thinking, I looked great! Each year as I get fatter, I say the same thing about last year, I am sure there is a point of diminishing returns in there somewhere.

The doctors tell me I am obese, I am 30% heavier than I should be, I have 50 pounds to lose, I run the risk of diabetes like my father, heart disease from my high cholesterol, and yet for many in our society now, it simply is not enough to cry over. It doesn't rate. I am a normal fat person. I couldn't even audition for "The Biggest Loser" if I wanted to. The bar is being set pretty high, and there are times when I feel compelled to meet it, to push the envelope, to get to that 100. In for a penny in for a ...

You know, by comparison it does make me feel better about myself, even if it is at the expense of others, and that is a terrible thing to say, and feel. The morbidly obese help the obese feel better, the obese help the over-weight, the over-weight help the anorexic and bulimic keep going. Round and round and round on a carousel of self-flagellating pain that none dare jump off.

That is how I see it from my perspective anyway. Of course, it has been a bit blurry.

Comments

[Me]

I can really relate to this. In fact, you've inspired a minor rant on my blog. It would be cool if you checked it out!

In the mean time though, maybe the answer to all this isn't to treat the symptom (the weight), but the cause (your self image). I always found that the better I feel about myself, the thinner I am, NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND.

I hope your mom gets better soon.

x

[Felicity]

well I'm with you on this. As long as I'm focused on my BODY, I don't have to look at anything larger--any internal things that might be haywire.

[FB]

Sure. I bet those comments really get at you, making you feel like your worries are not valid.

[Margaret]

As a fellow perfectionist, I understand exactly. I have my 4 pounds of winter fat to lose, when everyone thinks I should be delighted with how I look. I don't feel good--that's the main thing, isn't it?