Expectations

Why do expectations and goals effect me this way? In thinking about it, I can see a pattern of this all the way back to childhood... avoidance and procrastination, always tomorrow. If it goes that far back, it obviously must be a pretty well worn habit for sure, perhaps something picked up from a troubled youth, a dysfunctional up-bringing. Maybe seeing my parents, even if they are nearing 70, brought these feelings out again.

I have addressed this issue before, and it seems to always come back to fear...I am afraid to fail, so I procrastinate, and then plan how I can achieve the goal to alleviate guilt and stress. I have seen this same abject fear in my mother. Perhaps genetics, perhaps a learned and mimicked habit...who knows. I am like them and not like them too. They never thought about stuff like this, not that they shared with me anyway, they just kept moving along, or standing still, but never asking why or what if.

From the outside, it looks like laziness, a generation gone sour, someone with no ambitions. That is not really the case though, I work the hell out of things that don't matter to me personally, as long as they do not define who I am. If there is an event, chore, task or goal that does not approach my self definition, I go for it with all the gusto and perfectionism I can muster. BUT, when it is something closer to my own desires, then I choke up and don't want to even try.

Strange. Nucking Futs.

When I think about my worst personal fears (I say personal, because as a parent there are worse fears), they all boil down to this abject dread and absolute terror of making a mistake, as if I can't afford to. Exposed as a fraud, a wanna-be, an also ran or a failure gives me the cold shivers. I simply do not want to be judged negatively, so I avoid all judgment.

We all have this fear to some degree, we all want to fit into the group, to be admired, loved, wanted. No one really wants to be scorned or deemed a loser, so it is not a huge stretch in figuring it out, only as to why it effects me more than others, what happened to me that made me get stuck here... when others can move on?

I am probably re-hashing old news here.

I think this is thing...I expect to fail. So I avoid it.

Now the question is...why? No. Not why. I know why and have written about it many times over. Knowing why is good and illuminating, but it does not alter habits or change the course of a person's life. The question is how...how do I change this?

Have you picked up on something here? Maybe a long time ago? FatBlogger is not, and has not, ever really been about losing weight has it? I think I have been trying to lose something else, like a memory, or gain something else, like part of my life back. Not sure if either of those things are possible.

Comments

[Margaret]

You are talking to yourself here, Chuck--and making some very profound statements. Make sure to re-read what you write.

[Krista]

Your last paragraph is profound. I think that is where it is at. We want to lose whatever it represents. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. I guess when we are ready, the weight will come off.

[Felicity]

This is familiar to me, too--what I really want is to be a writer but do you think I dare to prepare anything for publication? Hells, no.
But what I really wanted to say is how gorgeous and eloquent this is..."trying to lose something else, like a memory.." So, so beautiful, Chuck!

[Denise]

Oh Lord, you didn't just bring up the possibility that my parents have the same crazy thoughts that I do, did you??? I can't possibly consider them human and fallible like me otherwise...well, I don't know. Perhaps it would make the world stop turning?

Seriously, I'm totally with you on the perfectionist thing. And no one looking in would see it that way, either, they'd just see someone who doesn't seem to be able to get anything done (because I'm scared it won't be "right", that I'll look stupid for trying). The hypnotherapy does seem to be helping - at least I'm not depressed about the evening binges anymore - although I know it's not the complete answer.