Thoughts for Thursday

I was reading and commenting on another blog, and if you have not been over to Hilly's you really should, and I was looking for an old post of mine which contained a movie dialog about change. I went over to my categories list and hit "beginnings" because that is where I thought it would be, and up popped this post. It knocked me back a bit.

Here I was, nearly a year ago, telling the world (the world in this case just turned out to be Margaret), that I was beginning"...again, that I had it all figured out...again, and that there were just 5 simple things I had to so. That's all, just five. Of course the rub is, here I am, actually about 10 pounds HEAVIER, trying to start all over again. The 5 simple things I had to do changed, curiously, to 5 other things. Same goal, different system, same results.

IF, and that's a big if, I had just lost 1 pound a week, I would not be "beginning" again, I would be finishing. Hell, if I had just lost 2 1/2 pounds A YEAR over the last 20, I would not be having this discussion. But, here I am.

Sobering thoughts.

Some of your comments might be "You HAVE made progress". Yes, eating better and resolving inner issues is making progress, but it is a hidden progress that often relapses. Real progress is losing fat. Not gaining it.

Did I say sobering thoughts? I meant depressing thoughts.

The worst of it...as goes my weight, or weight problems, so goes everything else in my life. There never seems to be any center, anything to hold onto, except my family, and I am so racked with unworthiness and guilt, that I often let go of that.

Yes, life has changed, life keeps moving. There is a baby now, a teen in high school, and other things, but I have not changed, not really. There has been no paradigm shift, no leap of faith or change of direction. I am the same train, on the same track, just changing boxcars. Like a toy choo-choo, stuck on a track that just goes round and round.

Even this rant and self indulgence is the same, you can set your clocks to my eventual "derailment" after a "new beginning".

Think happy thoughts

Yes, I have them... about other things. This weekend is my #1 son's 15th birthday! And football starts tonight! And Baby B is three months old and healthy! As I was telling Denise, maybe she has a good idea, make just one thing your universe, let all other things gravitate around them, let my fat take a backseat, as it were. That in itself won't make me any lighter, except of mind and spirit.

I wonder where I will be at on a Thursday next September. I wonder what post of mine I will come across and read and I wonder what my thoughts be then? Will I look back at this one and wonder what all the fuss was about? Will I look back and think I have not changed? Will I be another 10 pounds heavier? Will I? I think "will" is the key word there, WILL. It has a lot of meanings, both of eventuality and of change. Which definition will I be experiencing next September? 

Anyway, these are just thoughts on a Thursday. It IS a Thursday right? I would feel really stupid otherwise.

Comments

[Jenne]

I feel the same way. For me, it's been the last eight years. Just 7 pounds a year lost and I would be at my ideal weight. Heck, if I hadn't gained that 25 pounds in 1999...

But, I feel like I am making small improvements. It sounds like you are, too. Any little bit does help.

[Margaret]

The term paradigm shift is used a lot around school these days by admin--so it kind of frightened me. True change is one of the hardest things we can do. We are creatures of habit, and comfort PLUS you have already had many adjustments to make with a new baby. It makes it even more difficult to let go of those security rituals. I'm not making excuses, just trying to figure it out. Heck, I'm still trying to figure my own life out; we're all in the same boat.