24 hours

7 am -

The last few days I have been on a major downward spiral. Yeah food is involved and I have not been watching what I eat, but it seems more than that. I have been bone tired, even after getting a solid 8. It feels like depression, but I have nothing to be depressed about really. It is curious to say the least. These are the hard times, when you get caught in that funk and it pulls you down into weeks and months of this. I swear, there must be something in my genetic make-up that only lets me get so far before it opens the tar pits and swallows me whole.

I thought if I kept a running log here about it, it might cut it short? We'll see.

8 am-

Sometimes it just feels like there is no time to do anything at all and the myriad of trifles though-out the day just keep adding up until you collapse. I see this as just another failure really, a failure to be able to organize tasks and complete them efficiently. Some of these tasks are just not something you can organize, tell me how a teenager and a baby can be made more efficient? Large priorities seem too large, so we dwell on the minutia of the day, which never disappoints, there is always minutia. We never lose sight of the big picture, we just can't seem to get there. Losing weight is part of the big picture, a huge, long time consuming goal, that quite frankly, sometimes we would rather not think about. I keep saying "we" but of course I really mean me, myself and I.

8:30 am-

Yeah, it seems ridiculous to be so positive and then take such a downward spiral. Not sure what precipitated such a sharp turn of attitude and action, but something did and it has to be more than just being buried by a "to do" list.  There is a bigger issue, task, that I should be doing, something that defines me I suppose and like weight-loss it seems impossibly long to complete. Things that define me, or things that I think will define me I always postpone. I think fear comes into play here, fear of failing that thing by which I will be judged. It is really a fucked up way to live, but one that 90% of us probably do, just re-acting to life's events rather than taking control.

9 am-

My first reaction to times like this is to sit down with a calculator and try to think of a more perfect plan or schedule. Should work right? I mean there are only so many hours in the day and one should be able to perfect a plan of action that eliminates wasted time efficiently. Never works. First off, just making the schedule and the "to do" list is a chore, and usually does not get done, let alone a more efficient schedule for living. I like routine, maybe not having one really messes me up? There is no routine with a baby except the baby's routine, I should know this by now.

9:30 am-

Yes... you have a house, kids, dogs, a cell phone contract, there is always going to be shit to do that you don't want to, and it only grows larger...to think otherwise is folly.  People cope, they deal, they postpone their own goals for the good of the family, happens everyday. The fantasy of your life is still there calling though, and maybe we try to drown it out with booze or food or drugs or TV...who knows. We fall back on the  routines and mechanisms we were raised with and if that foundation is cracked...so will  most of what you build on it.  So what do you do? Try to fix the crack, build a new foundation, something a bit stronger. Maybe you lean on your family for this, or friends, but they are only going to hold you up for so long. You ponder this for awhile until the neighbors pit bulls start barking incessantly again and all you can think about is hopping over the fence and strangling them with your bare hands. The owners that is, not the pit bulls.

10 am-

Responsibilities mount for everyone in any industrialized country in the world, and it seems like more and more is demanded of you just to keep treading water. Everybody wants a piece of the action, of your life. Once the water company sent me a nasty letter threatening to turn off our water because we were a week late with a $24 dollar payment! Jesus, I lost the bill, chill out will ya, I'm good for 24 dollars! The world is getting more tightly wound with each passing day. Certainly my life is no different in that regard to anyone of you who happens to be reading this. We share this common bond of crapola. I can't help thinking there must be a better way, a better place, physically, mentally, spiritually...one of these "allys".  Joseph Campbell once said that you have to find your "sacred place", that place where you feel most calm, centered, connected...and go there as often as you can. Maybe it is a room, or an activity, or a park. Wherever or whatever, it is a place where you can get back on track, compose yourself, and by doing so things will begin to "happen" for you. Stephen Covey said a similar thing I suppose, he told people to "sharpen the saw", to take time for themselves doing something they truly enjoy so that the "saw" they use to cut the wood of their life is not dull. It all sounds very grisly to me.

12:30 pm-

This latest "event" is really just a microcosm of my life. Pull ahead, fall back, pull ahead, fall back. personal changes and many goals usually do spiral upward rather than in a straight shot, but what if it just goes round and round? Why does someone circle the base of the mountain preparing for the climb, when others just climb? Fear I suppose. Fear of falling, fear of reaching the top only to find more mountains to climb? Climbers must face those same fears, but they are not driven by them, they are driven by the goal, the accomplishment, the adventure. I used to be like that, but something happened to me along, long time ago that made me feel responsible for everyone and everything and the weight of that often makes me say "why bother, its just too heavy, its impossible." I suppose the obvious answer as to why or what happened is seeing my father get drunk every night and feel responsible to make him change. That never happened despite my best efforts. Feeling responsible for my mother and sister's well being can arrest normal development too. It all makes sense, but Jesus, when does the re-enactment end?

1:00 pm-

I'm not sure why I do this every month or so, seems like it cycles as much as the moon. I remember thinking it was like a rubber band or bungee cord that keeps snapping me back. Eventually though, that cord has to break right? It does seem to be happening less and less, and lasting for fewer days. I can remember being in this morass for months at a time during this blog, and for years before that. Maybe this is how it is done. We all want to be different with a snap, but it does not happen that way, it fades over time, goes out with a whimper not a bang. I should know that by now too. 

1:30 pm -

I want to blame the food, but it is hardly at fault. This last fall from grace was not because of any particular craving or need. There were no chips to binge on, though that pint of Pistachio Pistachio from Ben and Jerry's did not help. So it is not the food, it is not a diet so strict I crave things. It is simply the resistance to change. Something inside me screams that I am doing it wrong, that I am not ready for this, that I will fail. So I put it off, and a hundred other things behind it and concentrate on the inconsequential and non-judgmental. Like I have said before, it is so cowardly, and so hard to resist it.  In the past self-loathing would kick in about now, but that door is closed shut and won't be opening again. There is such exit this time, no cover of self-hate to hide under. Just me and the demon duking it out.

5 pm-

Such a struggle is really all internal and goes unnoticed my most. Indeed, I think if people that actually knew me, knew this, I would be embarrassed. Sure, they might notice an increase in food consumption, or perhaps behavior slightly different, or should I say indifferent, but by and large it is a fight I wage alone. That is not to say there is not collateral damage, that there are not significant others who are not hurt by my actions and inactions. More guilt. If it was a disease instead of a way of life there might be a pill or something, I mean they have one for restless leg syndrome for crying out loud. Would I take such a pill? Probably not. I would want to struggle, to defeat it on my own. That is probably a huge part of the problem, rarely seeking help from others.  For some reason I always want to do it myself, go it alone, prove that I can.  It isn't being selfish or stubborn, it is something else, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

5:30 pm

I think that is why "tomorrow" is such a lure, such an appeal. To plan on tomorrow's action is a relief from the struggle, it makes you think you are doing something about it when in fact you are just treading water, just walking over the same path again. Progress has to be measured I think, how many pounds, how many sober days, how many pages, how many dollars. I suppose that is why the minutia is appealing too, because it can be completed and measured. Meanwhile of course the BIG picture, the BIG goals, the ones that define a person's life, get put aside. I know people that accomplish great things, or even just BIG things, are a bit short sighted really. They tend to focus only on that goal or thing and leave the rest for others to figure out. Maybe that is unfair, such a myopic view, but it gets the job done. Maybe you can't do it all, maybe if you want something BIG, you have to zero in on it with blinders and let the rest fall where it may. Of course that BIG goal is a relative thing, it could be just your career or it could be a cure for cancer, either way, can you get ahead with out leaving others behind? I was in therapy once, and it really worked for me at the time. I was more assertive, I advanced my career such as it was, I lost weight...but everyone hated me. I wasn't the same person, I could've cared less about others needs, I only sought to increase my own. Is that progress? All I know is that people seemed more happy when I stopped. Dysfunction likes it's equilibrium I guess.

6 pm-

I can't help but see the irony in posting about how I am progressing and then BAM, hitting this wall. It can't be a coincidence.

7 pm-

If there is such a coincidence, what is it? That I don't want to succeed? That just seems nuts to me, but I know that there are people like that out there. The excuses, the maudlin drama, the "me at the center" is so my mother...somebody just shoot me now. She is so afraid of anything outside her known circle it paralyzes her with fear. I'm not that bad, but apparently bad enough to keep me idle at times. Anybody who would meet my father for the first time would consider him a mean grump of an old man, he is rarely happy about anything beyond his job. So, maybe depression runs in the family. Or maybe all this was just a learned habit of coping with a disease called alcoholism and I am having trouble growing out of it.

8 pm-

Perfection is a problem for me. People who know me might say that is far from who I am, what with all the procrastination and failed goals, but those that really know me would probably say it is true. Wanting to do things perfectly, wanting to be perfect, has been a part of me since I was just a...well as far back as I can remember.  I have talked about this before and recognize it as a problem, but there never seems to be any real lasting solution to it, it always comes back to bite me in the ass.

10 pm-

Parents, genetics, environment, habit, chemical, addiction, lazy, perfectionism, does it matter to know the source? I used to think so, but just knowing it does not control this moment, or that binge, or compel you to take a walk...does it? It doesn't solve what to do now, it doesn't push you to get back on...Just because you have an epiphany, see the light, the big picture...just because it all makes sense to you now and you can see the path you have taken clearly...it does not change now. I forget a lot lately, and often it is hard to think what you went to the store for, let alone why you wasted the last two decades trying to lose weight.

Here's the thing...I just want peace. A truce in this battle with myself. I want to eat good things and be healthy and eat bad things and not spiral out of control. I just want peace. Why is food my enemy and my lover, why is food both angel and whore? Why do I feel I can't get enough when it will be in the fridge tomorrow, or at the store this weekend? There is plenty for all, I don't need to horde and hide. Does not one bite comfort as well as 100 anyway? I know it is true... after the first bite I rarely take time to taste anything. There is a sick, perverted glee in stuffing without reason, like a monster is raging to consume...a monster never satisfied with itself.

It could have been anything I suppose, but food was handy.  It could have been  coke or smack or  booze or weed. My father had his own monster and he made our lives miserable for it. And as a parting gift he passed it on to me. That sucks.

I want peace now, not when I am dead. I want to find peace before the monster leaps into my children too. What does that peace feel like? I don't even know. What is victory? Not my weight, or my cardiovascular health or my blood pressure or my triglycerides level.  Maybe victory comes when the race is over, maybe peace comes from not passing the baton. I can live with that. Maybe that should have been my goal all along.

7 am

Jeesh! Why do I put myself through these things? Well, it has been a day and what have I learned? I learned I can write 7 pages a day just by taking a few minutes every hour! Maybe there is enough time in the day to get more done, I just need to take a different approach to things. I learned my problem is deeper than food and it isn't going to go away anytime soon. I learned the key is to keep going, out number the bad days with good, and maybe relapses will fade away over time. This probably is not the last one, but at least this one is over, I talked myself right out of it. If I make a pledge to do this every time I have a relapse, I will probably do my best to avoid them altogether! If you made it this far, your a trooper and belong in the FatBlogger Fan Club, send me an e-mail and I will send you a t-shirt...or a cheese sandwich.

Comments

[Alcoholism]

Here's a website you may find useful. http://www.addicted.com is a site for friends, families, and those who suffer from various addictions.

[FB]

Thanks Margaret, Faith and Kendra. I just closed the comments temporarily because I didn't want to be distracted while I was ranting, but it is opened now....