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The Pros and Cons of Counting vs Abstinence

Counting Calories

Pros:

1. I am familiar with it.
2. Writing down what you are eating in a journal is a proven method for losing weight.
3. I can be sure that I am not eating more calories than I need.
4. If I can stick with it, I know it will work.

Cons:

1. limits the freedom to eat what I want.
2. Can be a pain on special occasions.
3. When I stop counting, I binge or over-eat.
4. I have never been able to maintain it.

Abstinence

Pros:

1. Admits that I have a problem that goes beyond food and calories
2. Is a very simple alternative to counting calories.
3. Targets the main problem area I have.
4. Does not have to be turned "on" or "off', can be used on any occasion.

Cons:

1. I have never, ever, been able to do it.
2. Seems like it might be a very hard thing to do for a lifetime.
3. There is no guarantee that I won't create another "problem area" to compensate.
4. I don't know that I can trust myself with it.

The Dilemma

Essentially there is probably only one way lose fat, and that is to cut down on your caloric expenditure. Now within that simply formula there is a whole host of paths one could take, but the bottom line remains the same..burn more than you take in.

For me, knowing what I know about me, my experience with losing and gaining weight over the decades, there are only two ways to do this really.

1. Count calories. This I have done with success at times. Though if you measure success by the fact that you KEEP doing it year after year, then no, I would be a failure at it, like so many others. 

2. Addiction strategies. Admitting you have an addiction to over eating and making one simple rule to remove the problem area. An alcoholic would have a no alcohol rule, an addictive over-eater like me might remove a certain food for life.

But for me, removing one food is not the answer, my problem area is not a single food, it is a single time frame, after dinner to bedtime...the dreaded "4th meal" if you will. What makes me obese is just 500 extra calories a day, and I get that routinely by eating after dinner, nearly every night. 

My last post I said I was going to try to eliminate it, but it proved MUCH harder than I thought. I needed something, anything, and when I took a little something, it invariably turned into a BIG something.

It is what some psychologists call AVE, or Abstinence Violation Effect. In for a penny, in for a pound kind of thing. 

So for me the dilemma comes down to trying again what I have tried so many times before, and hope that I am a little wiser and better able to carry if off, or try something new that seems like a colossal struggle, but no less what a drunk might go through giving up booze...simple, but difficult.

Just a part of me ( right now a LARGE part)...

You know, I have heard that definition of "insanity" many times, yet have failed to find it beyond the line in the Movie "28 Days" with Sandra Bullock. The real definition of insanity according to Websters...

1 a : a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder (as schizophrenia) and usually excluding such states as mental retardation, psychoneurosis, and various character disorders b : a mental disorder
2 : such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or as removes one from criminal or civil responsibility
3 a : extreme folly or unreasonableness b : something utterly foolish or unreasonable

Now, on the other hand, I think what many of us experience as insanity is really the stress and anxiety of addiction, as described here by Wikipedia...

Addiction is a compulsion to repeat a behavior regardless of its consequences. A person who is addicted is sometimes called an addict.

There is a lack of consensus as to what may properly be termed 'addiction.' Some within the medical community maintain a rigid definition of addiction and contend that the term is only applicable to a process of escalating drug or alcohol use as a result of repeated exposure. However, addiction is often applied to compulsive behaviors other than drug use, such as overeating or gambling. In all cases, the term addiction describes a chronic pattern of behavior that continues despite the direct or indirect adverse consequences that result from engaging in the behavior. It is quite common for an addict to express the desire to stop the behavior, but find himself or herself unable to cease.

Repeating the same habit over and over, with out regard to the harmful results, the effects on others and yourself is surely an addiction... of some kind. Many would just call this a habit. I have always believed that the same behaviors that made my father drink must be underlying in my behavior when I try to escape life through food, television, games, sex or any number of other things that divert attention from the priorities at hand. "Just do it" is a clearly a slap in the face to those that procrastinate out of fear and habit, as both reality and insult. but I wonder how helpful or realistic it is to really say that to someone as a means of breaking a habit or addiction. I really would like to just do it, have wanted to for about 25 years now.

2/3's of the population in our country is addicted to food and unlike alcohol or heroin, it can not be stopped cold turkey or with imposing penalty of law. You have to manage the addiction because you also need it to survive. The hurt and pain that a benign type of addiction causes are not readily felt like a car accident, a drunken fight or jail time, they are largely ingested by the self and over time cause heart disease, diabetes and any other of the many maladies that contribute to over 500,000 early deaths a year in America. On top of those "diseases of choice and lifestyle" you have all the things that go undone, the laundry list of life that goes procrastinated, packed away in a box to be opened later in life as regret.

It's kinda sad really. It is much more frustrating than anything, like it is something that does not have to be, yet is for whatever reason, be it chemical, genetics, environment or upbringing, just a part of you. I think that for the longest time I wanted to exercise this part out of me, both literally and figuratively, but maybe I am going about it the wrong way. What if "it" is something that I have to come to accept as part of my personality, what if "it" is just who I am. That would mean that somehow the dark side of me, the "Sith Lord" inside my psyche, has to be managed not expunged, and ultimately accepted as just my nature. As it turns out, and as I have learned these past 25 years, getting rid of a portion of who you are is not possible, but learning to live with it just might be.

Adult Children

Originally written on June 29, 2005

From the ground breaking book "Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Janet Woititz. Red "X"s are traits common to me.

X 1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.

X 2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

X 4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

X 5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

X 6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

X 8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.

X 9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

X 10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.

X 11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.

X 12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess

10 out of 13, 77% of the traits. Pretty damn close to "perfect"

benediction to addiction

WARNING! The following post is not funny, or witty or smart. Trying to regroup my thoughts and you are all going to suffer! Do not feel compelled to reply, I understand! There will probably be many posts over the next few days, turn away now and it will all be over soon!

These are just my thoughts on the matter, stupid and incoherent, and they are no substitute for seeking professional help...

OK, on with the show...

Daddy was a drunk, a raging, sloppy mean alcoholic about 4 times a week. Mommy was Italian, making food and shoving it down my throat as a sign of love.  Now I am not in anyway saying that being alcoholic is a nationality or that being Italian is a dysfunction, I am simply depicting an aspect of my youth. I also don't blame my parents for my problems, they may have started the shit, but I own it now.

Addictive qualities seem to be transferred from generation to generation. My Grandmother, on my Fathers side, was also an alcoholic. My Father of course, and 6 of his seven brothers, one of which was high when he was killed in a car accident, my favorite uncle of the bunch.

Of course I had my own troubles with alcohol and drugs, and set adrift in the vastness of college life, unaccountable to anyone, I did some serious damage, to others as well as myself (see post "history lessons suck" 4/13 for more insight). After all that I was lucky I did not develop into an alcoholic, I guess some where along the line I blamed my body image and food for all my troubles and just stuck with that. There are some similarities between the two but there are some vast differences as well. My father (15 years sober now), knows that he can NEVER touch another drink, doing so turns him into a vicious animal, he could hurt himself or anyone around him. I can't give up food, I have to cook it for others, I have to eat it to survive, the best I can do is make a few better choices. If I go on a binge, I disgust myself, maybe others, but no one else gets physically hurt and I can still operate heavy machinery. Here are some ways I think we are very similar...

Addicts do not really like, or enjoy the long haul. We look for release, constantly. Maybe that comes from a shitty childhood, maybe it comes from hating your life or not having the tools to deal with the things in your life. Maybe its because we never had the patience to develop a decent hobby like stamp collecting or knitting. But for whatever reason, we want out. We want to say "aw, just fuck it", as if we have some kind of right, or that it is somehow more courageous to hide.

Addicts like me are seeking something, always. Answers to the inside and outside of life, looking for the thing to fill the void left there by the negligence of our parents or our Gods. If we were Type A personalities or had the patience, we might be scientists, novelists, winning Nobel Peace Prizes, solving world problems, but most of us are not very organized or good at goal setting. Very often we get tired of that searching and seek instant gratification instead. Booze, drugs, sex, food. Hell, lets face it, even television sometimes does the trick nicely. We see it, we drink it, we taste it or we bang it. All natural things that everybody does, only for addicts, we are users only, just taking it to satisfy, to fill our own holes, nobody else.

Addicts always, always, always, effect others around them, this is after all a contact sport. Growing up with a drunken father is obvious enough but what about me and what I am doing? My son sees a parent unable to find balance, self control. A parent wandering through life by the grace of God and the pity of others, a parent not living up to the potential of the life given, procrastinating days away like rain drops in a stagnant sea. I am a walking living example that goals can not be met, a constant bitter reminder of failure. NOT self pity here, just cold hard facts.

Addicts are at a loss from the beginning, we are missing something we should have gotten, something we need to survive.  Inevitably we find something, but it is not what we need, only what will kill the need, the hunger, only what will drown it, stuff it, numb it. There are programs to join, professionals to pay, friends for support, there is courage and willpower but in the end, they can never be that "thing" that has gone missing, they can only help avoid the search.

At the end of all things, I believe, addicts need something to hold onto, something to infuse into their bones and blood, something that gives them hope and life and the promise of something better for both. Something that does not try to fill the wound, packing it with perishable things, but something that heals it, drawing it to a close.

I need to find that something...