FatBlogger

There's something happening here

... what it is ain't exactly clear"

Yes I have been busy, but I was busy before and managed to blog. Yes I have been confronted with a lot of unplanned bull and time consuming crap, but I was before and managed to post, so...what is going on? I wish I knew for certain. At the end of the day, my usual time for surfing, blogging, posting, I just could not do it. I did not even want to open my laptop.

And it wasn't just the blogging, as a matter of fact, I could not get into any of the things I usually do to pass the time. My favorite television shows could not draw me to the couch, football and Xbox got a heavy sigh and a "pass".  And, get this, I had to remind myself to eat the junk foods I have so enjoyed as entertainment and substitutes for boredom. My thinking was "Eh, I will eat it tomorrow if I want to".

As a matter of fact, over the last 2 weeks, I have lost 7 pounds! One would think, given my largeness, that it would matter to me, but it does not. I could really care less.

Now, the first thing I thought of was depression, I mean it hits all the main points right? I have had depression before, so I can recognize it easily, but it is different this time, it does not feel the same way. I am not sad, I don't hate myself for being fat, It feels more like a pause.

Yeah, that is it, a pause. For the first time in a very very long time, losing weight, getting in shape, all the stuff that has controlled, manipulated, ruined my life, it all just does not seem that fucking important right now (pardon my French, too lazy to insert asterisks).

Other things in my life seem much more important to me, things not really related to my body, things like my accomplishments, or I should say, the sum of my parts. Like, "do I have anything to contribute to the world, to humanity, and am I ever going to get around to doing it", kinda thing. Whenever I went to the "web", I just felt like I was in a foggy limbo, and could not really say anything pertinent, or relevant to anyone else until I figured it out. As you can tell, I have not yet.

For me right now, it seems like my brain is doing a little reorganizing, resetting some priorities. Then again, I could be in one massive state of denial. Maybe I just need more sleep. Late night jabbering gone mad. Oh well, I am looking forward to reading more about what has been going on in everyones corner of the blogosphere tomorrow and hoping I can find the time to do it, find the time to get back "in it". Secretly, honestly, exasperatingly, I am hoping, somehow, that I can collect my fragmented thoughts and piece then together into something solid, something meaningful, something useful.

Nahhh, scratch that, I just want to get 8 hours. Good night!

A very melodramatic Sunday afternoon...

I met a new friend, yet another from Texas, funny for a big state just how small it can be! Jaye writes from an undisclosed location in an urban area. Her posts on contemporary issues are serious, sarcastic, smart. Tomorrow (5/25) is Jaye's B-day, stop by and put her through the spanking machine at winding road in urban area!

                                                  _______________

OK Faith, you have shamed me into posting what I had written on Sunday. I still think it's a tad melodramatic, hence the title of tonight's post, but as usual you are right, what the hell are we blogging for if we are not going to post it. Doesn't that get tiresome for you, the being right all the time thing?! Just kidding. Thanks.

                                             

written Sunday afternoon...

Losing weight is really a very simple matter. Despite all the myriads of books, ideas, diet plans, it only comes down to three things; eat less, exercise more or some combination of the two.

Yet there are millions, like me, you are dumbfounded to find a way to do this. For us, it is more than the mere calculation of what we digest and what we burn, for us, we do not eat to live, we live to eat. Food becomes the salve we slather over our emotional burns and scars. Food becomes the healer of our soul. We turn to the one thing that does not judge, it’s only purpose to provide comfort. That comfort is fleeting, so we need more..and more..and more.

The very notion of a "diet" makes us ill. Like we are losing the only friend who has really stood the test of time. Food knows me well, knows my darkest secrets and yet remains and I want to throw that friendship away? Food has protected me over the years, provided a much needed extra skin with which to suffer the indignities of rejection. What other friend can you blame ALL your problems on, and yet still keeps coming back for more. My dog is like that, but I refuse to eat him.

So many times I have said goodbye to this old friend, I have reached the peak of perfection, only to tumble to the bottom again. More often than not, I say goodbye, only to traverse the base of the mountain, just looking at the top, coming full circle back to my friend. He is still there, waiting. Good friend.

There comes a point where this friend becomes deadly. Choking the flow of my very blood, raising my sugar level intolerably. There are times when I can no longer bear the weight of my friend, as he pushes down on my very joints, slowing or stopping those things I most enjoy in life.

Others look at me and see weakness. That is ok, I look at me and see weakness as well. I see a doormat, being walked all over by this friend, I see someone unable to let go of things past.

I want to live, you know? Not forever, just well. I want to live with purpose and meaning. I want to make s difference and validate my existence beyond propping up the Lays / Pepsi Corporation. Does being fat stop me from all that? Yes. It becomes something to hide behind, to peer out from and see what is going on, then dart behind again for protection. Unfair. Being a coward is unfair to the rest of the world. It takes from it that small bit of uniqueness that is you, that tiny infinitesimal part of your potential that fits some niche like a peg.

For sure, there is more here than meets the eye. There is a strangling mess of guts, deep wounds that sink into the caverns of our innards, growing rotten as they go unnoticed. There are nerves like wires that carry old impulses and learned behaviors, like electricity to the brain, causing knee jerk reactions to dangerous and feared stimuli.

Courage then becomes the word of the day, the ability to overcome habitual fears. To have the courage to crush this fatty armor, pulverize it into submission until it melts away. Even more courage is required to let go of that quest, let it slip from your mind, your fork and spoon. Still more courage then to pick up the challenge for things more daunting and scary, for things that move the world. Courage to be a part of the world, instead of just being on it.