... what it is ain't exactly clear"
Yes I have been busy, but I was busy before and managed to blog. Yes I have been confronted with a lot of unplanned bull and time consuming crap, but I was before and managed to post, so...what is going on? I wish I knew for certain. At the end of the day, my usual time for surfing, blogging, posting, I just could not do it. I did not even want to open my laptop.
And it wasn't just the blogging, as a matter of fact, I could not get into any of the things I usually do to pass the time. My favorite television shows could not draw me to the couch, football and Xbox got a heavy sigh and a "pass". And, get this, I had to remind myself to eat the junk foods I have so enjoyed as entertainment and substitutes for boredom. My thinking was "Eh, I will eat it tomorrow if I want to".
As a matter of fact, over the last 2 weeks, I have lost 7 pounds! One would think, given my largeness, that it would matter to me, but it does not. I could really care less.
Now, the first thing I thought of was depression, I mean it hits all the main points right? I have had depression before, so I can recognize it easily, but it is different this time, it does not feel the same way. I am not sad, I don't hate myself for being fat, It feels more like a pause.
Yeah, that is it, a pause. For the first time in a very very long time, losing weight, getting in shape, all the stuff that has controlled, manipulated, ruined my life, it all just does not seem that fucking important right now (pardon my French, too lazy to insert asterisks).
Other things in my life seem much more important to me, things not really related to my body, things like my accomplishments, or I should say, the sum of my parts. Like, "do I have anything to contribute to the world, to humanity, and am I ever going to get around to doing it", kinda thing. Whenever I went to the "web", I just felt like I was in a foggy limbo, and could not really say anything pertinent, or relevant to anyone else until I figured it out. As you can tell, I have not yet.
For me right now, it seems like my brain is doing a little reorganizing, resetting some priorities. Then again, I could be in one massive state of denial. Maybe I just need more sleep. Late night jabbering gone mad. Oh well, I am looking forward to reading more about what has been going on in everyones corner of the blogosphere tomorrow and hoping I can find the time to do it, find the time to get back "in it". Secretly, honestly, exasperatingly, I am hoping, somehow, that I can collect my fragmented thoughts and piece then together into something solid, something meaningful, something useful.
Nahhh, scratch that, I just want to get 8 hours. Good night!