I have given myself three steps to take, they may be baby steps but they can also become major strides. None of them would be much good, provide much use or have a chance in hell of being accomplished unless I acknowledged the fact that I need a little help.
That is a extremely hard thing for me to say, excruciating. I am not sure if it is a by-product of being a perfectionist, raised to solve my own problems or growing up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family. I never seek help, I always go it alone. I am always looking for a way that is my own path, unique to me alone. I hate to follow or be led. To some that may be a very good thing, and it has led me to many new ideas, independent, open and always looking for the alternative. I like that about myself. But in my own personal life it has led me to suffer things I need not to alone.
I was about 20, living at home after I had dropped out of college and we had moved to Boston, my father was still a drunk. One evening I was watching PBS on a television in my room, they were doing a telethon, and this dude was doing a show, his name was John Bradshaw. He was a recovering alcoholic, he had developed a program and written book called "Healing the Shame that Binds You". I was mesmerized. To be completely honest, even at that age, I really had no idea that my father was an alcoholic, that's how it works in families like mine. I bought the book, and a lot of it made sense. I was not alone, my feelings and thoughts were not unique, I could live a better life. I didn't just buy that book, I bought nearly every book I could get at the newly discovered "self help" section of the book store.
That's when I found another very helpful book, "Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents" (ACOAP) by Dr. Janet Woititz. In this book I discovered that kids raised like me have about 20 things in common. It was an amazing discovery. So began my journey into "self help" and psychology. By the time I actually went to therapy, I saved the therapist years of work, she thought that I was a psych major or something in college. My experience in therapy is another story though.
I guess the point I am trying to make is, you need some support. Hell everyone does. You need feedback at work, you need it at school, you need it at home and yes, even here on the Internet. Even the most solitary of lives has to encounter others along the way, no one is an island in this world.
There are your relationships; family, friends, spouses, partners, lovers even co-workers but each one is a different kind of support system. It is often a fine line between support and burden and balancing that line is often difficult for the dysfunctional, addicted or confused. The dynamics of those relationships often come into play in a more reactionary, volatile way when immediacy and intimacy is involved. There are consequences in these relationships, there is the risk of rejection but there is also the reward of a deeper intimacy. The double edged sword. More often we need something outside, not effected by such things, separate, a bit more neutral, with nothing ventured and nothing gained.
I am not sure if I will return to a therapist regularly, but I am going to go talk to one just the same to see. I will be looking for support groups in my area for ACOAP people and maybe even consider a Weight Watchers type group, though that one gives me the most anxiety! One addresses symptoms, the other the disease.
My main support group however, the one that I will rely on heavily and regularly is right here. Writing about my feelings, my struggles, my successes, sending them out into the world to be read, felt and commented on, I really don't know what is better than that. In many ways, I am allowed to be so much more open here, to talk about the sick and gritty, to obsess or to wax poetic, to work things out at my own pace and to find others doing the same. All of it rarely judged, merely commented on and even if those comments be critical or negative, so what? You weigh the aggregate, assess the validity, they just might have a point.
It takes effort, and I think that is part of the effectiveness of any therapy, you have to reach out and work at it. When I first started blogging, no one was visiting, no one was commenting. Eventually people started showing up and I learned that if you want to build a "blogroll" ( aka: a community of support) you are going to have to go out there and find others too. You can't lock yourself up in a room (blog) and expect others to find you, you have to reach out. Lesson learned. So to my present and future friends here in this virtual yet oh so intimate world, I say thanks for being there. All of which leads me to conclude this about myself -
Step #4 - Progress is slow or non-existent without support. Reach out and find others to offer advice, criticism, praise but mostly to keep you company on a bumpy, but beautiful journey called life.
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