FatBlogger

1000 Days

In a weird coincidence, on January 1st, 2008, Fatblogger will be 1,000 days old. 

That seems like a long time, nearly three years. That should have been a long enough time to lose the weight, get in shape, get healthy...but it wasn't...hasn't been. Does that make this blog, or me, a failure? I suppose, if I think of this blog as merely a journal of that particular journey.

Though, on that evening on April 6th, 2005, I never stated that this would be a blog about me losing weight, but rather me working through the issues surrounding such a thing.

I have seen a lot of blogs about losing weight, "Look at me!, This is my before picture and this is my after picture!" "Dear Diary, today I ate only 150 calories! Yippee!" They all suck, and they all fade into the blog abyss of the quarterly post. If all it took to lose weight was to count calories, who the hell would choose to be fat? Who in their right mind would choose a lifetime of self-hatred, trapped in a blubbery prison cell of their own making? Who would choose daily public humiliation as a walking, breathing example of weakness in our society? Certainly not the two thirds of us Americans who are more than they should be.

I have to admit, I have toyed with the idea of folding this blog up and calling it a day. I hardly get here, or anywhere in blog world anymore, since the baby...though I think it has more to do with my will than an infant. I reached a point where the only thing left to do was to do it, and I couldn't. All  perfectly normal actions in our growing overweight society.

Last year at this time I was convinced that this was the time. But I was trying to convince myself, create some fool proof start point that could not fail...and always does.  New Years Eve...how many of those I wasted on resolutions for a thinner more perfect me. I think maybe I should have made a resolution a long time ago that said I was giving up such resolutions, and instead adopting one of continual and mutual self acceptance, fat or thin, of who I am...today. Now. This minute.

It may be corny, stupid, sappy or a bit of self-help new-age bullshit, but this much I do know after 1,000 days at FatBlogger....if you can't at least begin with a corner stone of self-acceptance, nothing you build will last, be it weight-loss...or anything else.

So work on this with me; There is nothing better than this moment...right now...make the most of it. Deny yourself that hatred and self condemnation that comes all too easy, and opt for the harder, less worn path of love and beauty that is your right...right now. Such a belief in yourself and others can't help but radiate outward and inward, eventually changing all things for the better. That thought IS healthy, and that is a good place to begin in 2008.

what food is

Food is there.

It is always there, like your best friend or loyal dog, ready and waiting to comfort. Food smooths out the rough edges on a tough day, food is freedom from caring and holding on so tight you think your knuckles are going to bleed. For me, for others, it is an addiction you have to control, not one you can eliminate. Food in celebration, food in defeat, food in anger, food in joy.

Food is life, and for many... death. Food can clog and choke and clot, and food can nourish, and heal and grow. Too much and you die from heart disease, too little and you die from starvation. Food is life and death.

Food is scarce in many parts of the world. Before you finish reading this a child will die from lack of  sugar, water and salt....and then another...and another....anyone in for a late night run to Taco Hell? Speaking of which, many a run I made after midnight back in my university days. Nothing like trying to swallow a 99 cent burrito after 12 beers...nothing like it. Nothing like it the next morning either, but they didn't have any all night bean sprout buffets open, ya know?

Food is a commodity, bought and sold from farm to market. The corn from farmer Browns 50 acre patch is quickly plucked and sold to Conglom-O-Mart, mixed with hydrogenated oils and sold as a healthy snack. Food is advertised, it is hawked, it is propped up on a pedestal next to super skinny bulimic super models, the three decker two cheese patty next to the cheek sunken, lingerie wearing  ectomorph, both wetting their lips and selling themselves as desire.

Food is left to the masses to monitor, the market to regulate, your impulses to control. Food kills more people than booze and car accidents and terrorists. Strike that...food doesn't kill people, people kill...Twinkies? Eat responsibly.

Food is a time killer, a lover replacer, a hole filler, a mood enhancer, a tooth driller, an effort rewarder...food is fun! Food is entertainment.

Food is in the Garden of Eden, forbidden fruit, crunchy delicious Red Delicious. Don't eat from the Tree of Knowledge...or nutritional labels. God was right, some things we just don't want to know.

Food is both deceiving and up-front, both friend and foe, food is a killer of dreams... and African babies (and Mid-Atlantic Appalachian babies too).

Food saves all. I'm hungry. What is food to you?

24 hours

7 am -

The last few days I have been on a major downward spiral. Yeah food is involved and I have not been watching what I eat, but it seems more than that. I have been bone tired, even after getting a solid 8. It feels like depression, but I have nothing to be depressed about really. It is curious to say the least. These are the hard times, when you get caught in that funk and it pulls you down into weeks and months of this. I swear, there must be something in my genetic make-up that only lets me get so far before it opens the tar pits and swallows me whole.

I thought if I kept a running log here about it, it might cut it short? We'll see.

8 am-

Sometimes it just feels like there is no time to do anything at all and the myriad of trifles though-out the day just keep adding up until you collapse. I see this as just another failure really, a failure to be able to organize tasks and complete them efficiently. Some of these tasks are just not something you can organize, tell me how a teenager and a baby can be made more efficient? Large priorities seem too large, so we dwell on the minutia of the day, which never disappoints, there is always minutia. We never lose sight of the big picture, we just can't seem to get there. Losing weight is part of the big picture, a huge, long time consuming goal, that quite frankly, sometimes we would rather not think about. I keep saying "we" but of course I really mean me, myself and I.

8:30 am-

Yeah, it seems ridiculous to be so positive and then take such a downward spiral. Not sure what precipitated such a sharp turn of attitude and action, but something did and it has to be more than just being buried by a "to do" list.  There is a bigger issue, task, that I should be doing, something that defines me I suppose and like weight-loss it seems impossibly long to complete. Things that define me, or things that I think will define me I always postpone. I think fear comes into play here, fear of failing that thing by which I will be judged. It is really a fucked up way to live, but one that 90% of us probably do, just re-acting to life's events rather than taking control.

9 am-

My first reaction to times like this is to sit down with a calculator and try to think of a more perfect plan or schedule. Should work right? I mean there are only so many hours in the day and one should be able to perfect a plan of action that eliminates wasted time efficiently. Never works. First off, just making the schedule and the "to do" list is a chore, and usually does not get done, let alone a more efficient schedule for living. I like routine, maybe not having one really messes me up? There is no routine with a baby except the baby's routine, I should know this by now.

9:30 am-

Yes... you have a house, kids, dogs, a cell phone contract, there is always going to be shit to do that you don't want to, and it only grows larger...to think otherwise is folly.  People cope, they deal, they postpone their own goals for the good of the family, happens everyday. The fantasy of your life is still there calling though, and maybe we try to drown it out with booze or food or drugs or TV...who knows. We fall back on the  routines and mechanisms we were raised with and if that foundation is cracked...so will  most of what you build on it.  So what do you do? Try to fix the crack, build a new foundation, something a bit stronger. Maybe you lean on your family for this, or friends, but they are only going to hold you up for so long. You ponder this for awhile until the neighbors pit bulls start barking incessantly again and all you can think about is hopping over the fence and strangling them with your bare hands. The owners that is, not the pit bulls.

10 am-

Responsibilities mount for everyone in any industrialized country in the world, and it seems like more and more is demanded of you just to keep treading water. Everybody wants a piece of the action, of your life. Once the water company sent me a nasty letter threatening to turn off our water because we were a week late with a $24 dollar payment! Jesus, I lost the bill, chill out will ya, I'm good for 24 dollars! The world is getting more tightly wound with each passing day. Certainly my life is no different in that regard to anyone of you who happens to be reading this. We share this common bond of crapola. I can't help thinking there must be a better way, a better place, physically, mentally, spiritually...one of these "allys".  Joseph Campbell once said that you have to find your "sacred place", that place where you feel most calm, centered, connected...and go there as often as you can. Maybe it is a room, or an activity, or a park. Wherever or whatever, it is a place where you can get back on track, compose yourself, and by doing so things will begin to "happen" for you. Stephen Covey said a similar thing I suppose, he told people to "sharpen the saw", to take time for themselves doing something they truly enjoy so that the "saw" they use to cut the wood of their life is not dull. It all sounds very grisly to me.

12:30 pm-

This latest "event" is really just a microcosm of my life. Pull ahead, fall back, pull ahead, fall back. personal changes and many goals usually do spiral upward rather than in a straight shot, but what if it just goes round and round? Why does someone circle the base of the mountain preparing for the climb, when others just climb? Fear I suppose. Fear of falling, fear of reaching the top only to find more mountains to climb? Climbers must face those same fears, but they are not driven by them, they are driven by the goal, the accomplishment, the adventure. I used to be like that, but something happened to me along, long time ago that made me feel responsible for everyone and everything and the weight of that often makes me say "why bother, its just too heavy, its impossible." I suppose the obvious answer as to why or what happened is seeing my father get drunk every night and feel responsible to make him change. That never happened despite my best efforts. Feeling responsible for my mother and sister's well being can arrest normal development too. It all makes sense, but Jesus, when does the re-enactment end?

1:00 pm-

I'm not sure why I do this every month or so, seems like it cycles as much as the moon. I remember thinking it was like a rubber band or bungee cord that keeps snapping me back. Eventually though, that cord has to break right? It does seem to be happening less and less, and lasting for fewer days. I can remember being in this morass for months at a time during this blog, and for years before that. Maybe this is how it is done. We all want to be different with a snap, but it does not happen that way, it fades over time, goes out with a whimper not a bang. I should know that by now too. 

1:30 pm -

I want to blame the food, but it is hardly at fault. This last fall from grace was not because of any particular craving or need. There were no chips to binge on, though that pint of Pistachio Pistachio from Ben and Jerry's did not help. So it is not the food, it is not a diet so strict I crave things. It is simply the resistance to change. Something inside me screams that I am doing it wrong, that I am not ready for this, that I will fail. So I put it off, and a hundred other things behind it and concentrate on the inconsequential and non-judgmental. Like I have said before, it is so cowardly, and so hard to resist it.  In the past self-loathing would kick in about now, but that door is closed shut and won't be opening again. There is such exit this time, no cover of self-hate to hide under. Just me and the demon duking it out.

5 pm-

Such a struggle is really all internal and goes unnoticed my most. Indeed, I think if people that actually knew me, knew this, I would be embarrassed. Sure, they might notice an increase in food consumption, or perhaps behavior slightly different, or should I say indifferent, but by and large it is a fight I wage alone. That is not to say there is not collateral damage, that there are not significant others who are not hurt by my actions and inactions. More guilt. If it was a disease instead of a way of life there might be a pill or something, I mean they have one for restless leg syndrome for crying out loud. Would I take such a pill? Probably not. I would want to struggle, to defeat it on my own. That is probably a huge part of the problem, rarely seeking help from others.  For some reason I always want to do it myself, go it alone, prove that I can.  It isn't being selfish or stubborn, it is something else, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

5:30 pm

I think that is why "tomorrow" is such a lure, such an appeal. To plan on tomorrow's action is a relief from the struggle, it makes you think you are doing something about it when in fact you are just treading water, just walking over the same path again. Progress has to be measured I think, how many pounds, how many sober days, how many pages, how many dollars. I suppose that is why the minutia is appealing too, because it can be completed and measured. Meanwhile of course the BIG picture, the BIG goals, the ones that define a person's life, get put aside. I know people that accomplish great things, or even just BIG things, are a bit short sighted really. They tend to focus only on that goal or thing and leave the rest for others to figure out. Maybe that is unfair, such a myopic view, but it gets the job done. Maybe you can't do it all, maybe if you want something BIG, you have to zero in on it with blinders and let the rest fall where it may. Of course that BIG goal is a relative thing, it could be just your career or it could be a cure for cancer, either way, can you get ahead with out leaving others behind? I was in therapy once, and it really worked for me at the time. I was more assertive, I advanced my career such as it was, I lost weight...but everyone hated me. I wasn't the same person, I could've cared less about others needs, I only sought to increase my own. Is that progress? All I know is that people seemed more happy when I stopped. Dysfunction likes it's equilibrium I guess.

6 pm-

I can't help but see the irony in posting about how I am progressing and then BAM, hitting this wall. It can't be a coincidence.

7 pm-

If there is such a coincidence, what is it? That I don't want to succeed? That just seems nuts to me, but I know that there are people like that out there. The excuses, the maudlin drama, the "me at the center" is so my mother...somebody just shoot me now. She is so afraid of anything outside her known circle it paralyzes her with fear. I'm not that bad, but apparently bad enough to keep me idle at times. Anybody who would meet my father for the first time would consider him a mean grump of an old man, he is rarely happy about anything beyond his job. So, maybe depression runs in the family. Or maybe all this was just a learned habit of coping with a disease called alcoholism and I am having trouble growing out of it.

8 pm-

Perfection is a problem for me. People who know me might say that is far from who I am, what with all the procrastination and failed goals, but those that really know me would probably say it is true. Wanting to do things perfectly, wanting to be perfect, has been a part of me since I was just a...well as far back as I can remember.  I have talked about this before and recognize it as a problem, but there never seems to be any real lasting solution to it, it always comes back to bite me in the ass.

10 pm-

Parents, genetics, environment, habit, chemical, addiction, lazy, perfectionism, does it matter to know the source? I used to think so, but just knowing it does not control this moment, or that binge, or compel you to take a walk...does it? It doesn't solve what to do now, it doesn't push you to get back on...Just because you have an epiphany, see the light, the big picture...just because it all makes sense to you now and you can see the path you have taken clearly...it does not change now. I forget a lot lately, and often it is hard to think what you went to the store for, let alone why you wasted the last two decades trying to lose weight.

Here's the thing...I just want peace. A truce in this battle with myself. I want to eat good things and be healthy and eat bad things and not spiral out of control. I just want peace. Why is food my enemy and my lover, why is food both angel and whore? Why do I feel I can't get enough when it will be in the fridge tomorrow, or at the store this weekend? There is plenty for all, I don't need to horde and hide. Does not one bite comfort as well as 100 anyway? I know it is true... after the first bite I rarely take time to taste anything. There is a sick, perverted glee in stuffing without reason, like a monster is raging to consume...a monster never satisfied with itself.

It could have been anything I suppose, but food was handy.  It could have been  coke or smack or  booze or weed. My father had his own monster and he made our lives miserable for it. And as a parting gift he passed it on to me. That sucks.

I want peace now, not when I am dead. I want to find peace before the monster leaps into my children too. What does that peace feel like? I don't even know. What is victory? Not my weight, or my cardiovascular health or my blood pressure or my triglycerides level.  Maybe victory comes when the race is over, maybe peace comes from not passing the baton. I can live with that. Maybe that should have been my goal all along.

7 am

Jeesh! Why do I put myself through these things? Well, it has been a day and what have I learned? I learned I can write 7 pages a day just by taking a few minutes every hour! Maybe there is enough time in the day to get more done, I just need to take a different approach to things. I learned my problem is deeper than food and it isn't going to go away anytime soon. I learned the key is to keep going, out number the bad days with good, and maybe relapses will fade away over time. This probably is not the last one, but at least this one is over, I talked myself right out of it. If I make a pledge to do this every time I have a relapse, I will probably do my best to avoid them altogether! If you made it this far, your a trooper and belong in the FatBlogger Fan Club, send me an e-mail and I will send you a t-shirt...or a cheese sandwich.

Sometimes I wonder...

...if I can really do this. Not really about can I lose the weight, but can I move on with my life, can I get over this obstacle that seemingly holds me back. I say seemingly because I know that it hasn't always "held" me, it has often tried to protect me from my fears.

There have been so many starts and stops with me, and here on the blog, that sometimes I am unsure if I should keep trying. Look recently at my, and our, exercise campaign this holiday season. I, we, started off with much fanfare and enthusiasm, and then...

I can have the best plan of action, I can even act on it, but how can Ii be sure I have the commitment to get me through the boring dull patches, the plateaus, how can I be sure? I can't. Just another thing about life, nothing is sure. And there are worse things to be unsure about...for sure.

I came across this post by DietGirl. It is excellent, not because it mentions me, which it does, but because it brings up a point not many of us think about, "what if "? DietGirl has been losing at the rate of 1/2 pound a week, for 300 weeks and acknowledges that "what if " she had gone the other way and gained that 1/2 pound instead? I think it is sobering.

I think there are only three options in life really;

1. You are moving forward.
2. You are moving backward.
3. You are idle, walking in circles.

Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes to move forward. Certainly nothing in my life, or this blog, would indicate that I do, but...I can change for the better can't I? WE can change for the better, can't we?

Thoughts for Thursday

I was reading and commenting on another blog, and if you have not been over to Hilly's you really should, and I was looking for an old post of mine which contained a movie dialog about change. I went over to my categories list and hit "beginnings" because that is where I thought it would be, and up popped this post. It knocked me back a bit.

Here I was, nearly a year ago, telling the world (the world in this case just turned out to be Margaret), that I was beginning"...again, that I had it all figured out...again, and that there were just 5 simple things I had to so. That's all, just five. Of course the rub is, here I am, actually about 10 pounds HEAVIER, trying to start all over again. The 5 simple things I had to do changed, curiously, to 5 other things. Same goal, different system, same results.

IF, and that's a big if, I had just lost 1 pound a week, I would not be "beginning" again, I would be finishing. Hell, if I had just lost 2 1/2 pounds A YEAR over the last 20, I would not be having this discussion. But, here I am.

Sobering thoughts.

Some of your comments might be "You HAVE made progress". Yes, eating better and resolving inner issues is making progress, but it is a hidden progress that often relapses. Real progress is losing fat. Not gaining it.

Did I say sobering thoughts? I meant depressing thoughts.

The worst of it...as goes my weight, or weight problems, so goes everything else in my life. There never seems to be any center, anything to hold onto, except my family, and I am so racked with unworthiness and guilt, that I often let go of that.

Yes, life has changed, life keeps moving. There is a baby now, a teen in high school, and other things, but I have not changed, not really. There has been no paradigm shift, no leap of faith or change of direction. I am the same train, on the same track, just changing boxcars. Like a toy choo-choo, stuck on a track that just goes round and round.

Even this rant and self indulgence is the same, you can set your clocks to my eventual "derailment" after a "new beginning".

Think happy thoughts

Yes, I have them... about other things. This weekend is my #1 son's 15th birthday! And football starts tonight! And Baby B is three months old and healthy! As I was telling Denise, maybe she has a good idea, make just one thing your universe, let all other things gravitate around them, let my fat take a backseat, as it were. That in itself won't make me any lighter, except of mind and spirit.

I wonder where I will be at on a Thursday next September. I wonder what post of mine I will come across and read and I wonder what my thoughts be then? Will I look back at this one and wonder what all the fuss was about? Will I look back and think I have not changed? Will I be another 10 pounds heavier? Will I? I think "will" is the key word there, WILL. It has a lot of meanings, both of eventuality and of change. Which definition will I be experiencing next September? 

Anyway, these are just thoughts on a Thursday. It IS a Thursday right? I would feel really stupid otherwise.

Expectations

Why do expectations and goals effect me this way? In thinking about it, I can see a pattern of this all the way back to childhood... avoidance and procrastination, always tomorrow. If it goes that far back, it obviously must be a pretty well worn habit for sure, perhaps something picked up from a troubled youth, a dysfunctional up-bringing. Maybe seeing my parents, even if they are nearing 70, brought these feelings out again.

I have addressed this issue before, and it seems to always come back to fear...I am afraid to fail, so I procrastinate, and then plan how I can achieve the goal to alleviate guilt and stress. I have seen this same abject fear in my mother. Perhaps genetics, perhaps a learned and mimicked habit...who knows. I am like them and not like them too. They never thought about stuff like this, not that they shared with me anyway, they just kept moving along, or standing still, but never asking why or what if.

From the outside, it looks like laziness, a generation gone sour, someone with no ambitions. That is not really the case though, I work the hell out of things that don't matter to me personally, as long as they do not define who I am. If there is an event, chore, task or goal that does not approach my self definition, I go for it with all the gusto and perfectionism I can muster. BUT, when it is something closer to my own desires, then I choke up and don't want to even try.

Strange. Nucking Futs.

When I think about my worst personal fears (I say personal, because as a parent there are worse fears), they all boil down to this abject dread and absolute terror of making a mistake, as if I can't afford to. Exposed as a fraud, a wanna-be, an also ran or a failure gives me the cold shivers. I simply do not want to be judged negatively, so I avoid all judgment.

We all have this fear to some degree, we all want to fit into the group, to be admired, loved, wanted. No one really wants to be scorned or deemed a loser, so it is not a huge stretch in figuring it out, only as to why it effects me more than others, what happened to me that made me get stuck here... when others can move on?

I am probably re-hashing old news here.

I think this is thing...I expect to fail. So I avoid it.

Now the question is...why? No. Not why. I know why and have written about it many times over. Knowing why is good and illuminating, but it does not alter habits or change the course of a person's life. The question is how...how do I change this?

Have you picked up on something here? Maybe a long time ago? FatBlogger is not, and has not, ever really been about losing weight has it? I think I have been trying to lose something else, like a memory, or gain something else, like part of my life back. Not sure if either of those things are possible.

...full of possibilities.

Sometimes an event can shake you, snap you out of what you think is reality, and wake you up to what is really reality. Such a thing can often re-align your priorities and at the very least, help you to see things a bit more clearly.

Of course such a thing does not necessarily alter your habits, the good or the bad ones, or change them for the better, but it can allow you to view them through a different looking glass...one made with appreciation, gratefulness and luck.

Such a thing occurs to me each time I hold Baby B, or feed him, and sometimes even when I change him!

Yeah, I am still fat, but I have not thought much about it over the past two weeks except for this one thing...I want to stick around for this show called parenthood...I like where it is going. In fact, I like where my life is going, and I don't want it to end just yet because I seem incapable of a silly thing such as portion management, or my love affair with an invention called mayonnaise!

The game has changed a bit, the motivation, desires and needs have been put on a different path... perhaps the methods and goals should as well?

Of course there is also the possibility that all of this is complete nonsense, just the ramblings of a weary dad pulling the night shift on feedings, burpings and diaper changes.

The world, hell the universe, is just full of possibilities.

Perspective

It is a funny thing. What seems important to some, or one, might not to others and may even seem down right trivial to a few. While you might be wailing on some personal drama in your life, some one else might be about the loss of a loved one. And then you feel stupid and small.

This occurred to me right after I posted the pictures of myself. Many of my blogging buddies offered support and kind comments, even strangers, but they all had the same underlying meaning...your not that fat.

I suppose it is true, I am not as fat as I may have led people to believe. I do not have 100 pounds to lose, I am just your typical over-weight American dude. Still, I have to say, I don't think it was ever really about the fat. It is about my perception of myself, that I need fixing. One would assume that even if I lose the entirety of the 50 pounds, then there will be something else to fix. Perhaps that is why I resist losing the weight so readily, my sub-conscious does not want to face that reality.

I think there are many people like me out there, men and women, fixated, even obsessed on a symptom they may have created to avoid looking at the disease. Me, being curious and a perfectionist, am bound (as in the hand tied sense) to figure it out somehow. Hence the angst, hence the blog.

Not too long ago I came across another blog discussing mine. In it they talked about my picture and how they were surprised that I was so normal looking for the all the wailing I do about being fat, having only 50 pounds to lose. "Try to lose 100", they said. I think they are missing the point. It would not matter for me, or many of us, whether it was 100, 50, 20 or 10 pounds, when it comes to a hole that needs filling, and a perception of yourself, all that matters is that you are not who you really are. Not sure if that makes sense, but I have a feeling it might make sense to a few out there.

To me it seems like a large problem and has since I was a teen. I always considered myself in need of fixing. I needed more muscles, I needed less fat. Such is the life of a teenager, normal, maybe even healthy to an extent. I never grew out of it. I look back on pictures of myself then, hell even five years ago, and I keep saying, what was I thinking, I looked great! Each year as I get fatter, I say the same thing about last year, I am sure there is a point of diminishing returns in there somewhere.

The doctors tell me I am obese, I am 30% heavier than I should be, I have 50 pounds to lose, I run the risk of diabetes like my father, heart disease from my high cholesterol, and yet for many in our society now, it simply is not enough to cry over. It doesn't rate. I am a normal fat person. I couldn't even audition for "The Biggest Loser" if I wanted to. The bar is being set pretty high, and there are times when I feel compelled to meet it, to push the envelope, to get to that 100. In for a penny in for a ...

You know, by comparison it does make me feel better about myself, even if it is at the expense of others, and that is a terrible thing to say, and feel. The morbidly obese help the obese feel better, the obese help the over-weight, the over-weight help the anorexic and bulimic keep going. Round and round and round on a carousel of self-flagellating pain that none dare jump off.

That is how I see it from my perspective anyway. Of course, it has been a bit blurry.

Nemesis

I think there is a "mountain" in every ones life. Some monumental challenge they must overcome, a personal "nemesis" if you will. If you are successful in the challenge you are given great rewards, such as self esteem, confidence, a personal insight into your own destiny. I have seen it in many over and over again, even once in myself. Perhaps it is the elusive meaning of life that so many of us in this day and age yearn for, your own personal meaning handed to you on a silver platter...you just have to earn it.

Some of the challenges seem apparent, some well hidden, some completely ludicrous to everyone but yourself. To you they have meaning, to you climbing "the mountain" opens up a plethora of life opportunities that before you could only gaze at in the distance. It shouldn't be, but it is. To conquer it is to conquer something in yourself, to best something in yourself, to KNOW who you are and just what it is you were meant for. It can be that big.

I believe this is actually the natural state of all of us, that if we are "there", then we have no questions about are place, we truly know ourselves, our intent, our path. Even when we end up somewhere as a complete surprise we recognize it as only the result of where we have been. In short, our natural state is happiness, because to know yourself, know your purpose, know your direction, that is happiness, even when that path is a difficult one to tread.

Of course if all that is true, most of the life we live is a dysfunction, something a bit askew. Things just don't "feel" right. We are uncomfortable in a situation because we are uncomfortable with "our" situation.

To climb the mountain, face your nemesis, succeed on the long challenge before you, it requires a few things.

• Faith in yourself
• Knowledge of the enemy
• Courage of your convictions
• Humility to get up and try again
• Focus on the path ahead
• Control over distraction

An epiphany awaits, something you never expected, something you will immediately recognize as your personal truth. It IS there for all of us, but I think we have to earn it, each in our own unique way.

Right now

there is an internal debate going on inside my head about the whole weight loss "thing". No, there are no voices other than my own!

It goes something like this:

What is the point of trying to lose weight?  All you ever end up doing anyway is gaining it!

Good point, but there IS real value in improving and regaining ones health. Your physical health is the lynch-pin to the rest of your life.

Why?

Well, because if you don't have your health, you don't have anything.

Do you really believe that bullshit?

No...kinda.

OK then, what is this really about.

I do not like myself when I am fat. I like myself when I am not. When I like myself I have more confidence, I do more things, I take more risks. I live, I don't just exist.

So then, when you are fat, you just exist, you go with the flow, you let the currents take you instead of charting your own course?

Yes.

I will tell you a little secret, can I tell you a little secret?

Yes.

People do what  they really want to do, there is nothing telling you to do otherwise. You are choosing this.

But I am miserable, why would I choose this?

How the hell should I know. Are you sure you are miserable?  What else are you?

Safe, content, comfortable.

Ahhh, safe, that old chestnut. We are creatures of habit after all, often choosing the path of least resistance.  What makes it safe I wonder?

Hope makes it safe. As long as I am fat, there is hope that I will not be. I grew up with hope, that is all I had, to discard hope for a better tomorrow, a better me, means to live with reality, it means to live with today. That means acceptance, that is risky, that is scary.

Why does hope have to be discarded? What about hope for a better tomorrow for more than just yourself? Hope for others?

Yeah, sure, everyone wants that, but it is just hyperbole.

I suppose, but its a good thing MLK didn't think so, Gandhi, Jesus or Benjamin Franklin.

The world is different now.

It sure as hell is... all the more reason.

Ok, so you are saying that I am not important, the world is, and that I should stop griping about my fat ass and help others less fortunate.

Not exactly. Try this. Whatever you do or don't do about your weight does not really matter in the "big scheme" of things. Your actions, reactions, distractions throughout your life are what matters. It is impossible to define yourself by obsessing about your body, in fact the great irony is that only through selflessness can you be so defined.

In English this time please..

You are only what you do. Period. So do something....

I want to, but it feels like I can't. I doubt myself too much. If I can't even control my eating, how am I going to gather the courage to make any kind of difference, or for that matter, be successful at anything?

Your eating is out of control because you want it to be. You make a conscious decision to eat more than you need or burn because you are constantly thinking you are going to go on a diet, therefore everything you say you can't have becomes more appealing, more desirable, more tantalizing...which in turn means more  of you. Remember when your son was two? If you said "Don't touch that" what was the first thing he did?

Touch it.

Right.

OK, I got that, I understand that. But does that mean that losing weight and getting healthy should not be a serious and important priority in my life?

Look, no, of course not. All I am saying is that you are picking at a scab, not letting it heal. Is there a person left in this country that does not know what a calorie is? You know what to do, let the obsession go, and maybe your body will follow it through.

Trusting my body would be difficult. Thinking about changing myself that way has been my identity for the last two decades. That is a long time.

Yes it is, and how has that worked out for you?

Same thing everyday, with no real lasting results.

Ok, I think then it is time to try something different. What is the worse that could happen? You get fat? You already are, you know you can't eat much more than you already do. There is no where to go but down, in a good way.

Ok, but I need a plan.....

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!    Forget the whole damn thing, you ARE insane!!!

Well there it is for all to see. It seems silly writing it out like that, but even more silly reading it over. There it is in all its glory, the Frank Gorshin of my mind, like his Gemini character in the original Star Trek, doomed to wrestle with himself for all eternity. I think one thing is clear, one of these "people" has to go before I start to hear them talk for real!