Most of you know that I have struggled with this problem for a very long time, much longer than I have been blogging about it. All the things that have gone on here with me over the past year, have been going on for the last 25. I have known for a very long time these things to be true about me..
- I want to be fat, for some strange reason it protects me.
- Obsessing and planning is sub-conscious but an intentional diversion.
- Some "thing" is underlying this problem.
- That thing is scary and smells like "fear".
But through it all, that is as far as I got. Sure I see the connections to my childhood, being raised by an alcoholic father and a fearful mother, but I could never pinpoint exactly what it was. It was a wall I could not scale, even when the scale had very good numbers, I just did not like myself.
I started thinking about it a few days ago. What would make someone dig food out of a trash can, and eat it? What could make someone renege on promises, earnest heart felt promises, whispered to themselves in the night. What would make someone feel like they had to make those promises in the first place? What could drive people to binge on food to salve emotions, normal everyday emotions?
I was in the backyard contemplating this. It was a pleasant day, blue sky, slight wind. I was enjoying hearing the sound of wind rustling trees, and with my eyes closed and facing the sun this thought popped into my head...
you hate yourself.
Now, on the surface this is not surprising news. I have talked about self hate many times here, but it never registered the way it did that morning, I never felt it down to my bones. Something else was different about it too; in the past when I explored self hate, I never explored the opposite of that, self love. I have none. I asked myself, would a person who has faith in one self bring that self to the brink of diabetes, or heart disease? Would a person who even remotely likes themselves force themselves to starve, or binge until it hurt? People with self-love take care of themselves. They don't eat trash unless they have to for survival. They don't look in the mirror with disgust. They don't make promises to themselves they do not intend on keeping.
To me it was a shattering experience that seemed to bring many things together. The answer a resounding NO, such a person would not do those things if they had any self respect or love for who they are. Such a person reaches out with their own hand to steady their soul, and says silently, "you don't need to do that".
It did not have to be my weight or body image, just the luck of the cards I guess, I would have focused on something else to hide behind, perhaps something where you don't get as many second chances. Given the circumstances, my family and friends, I am grateful it turned out to be food, where the collateral damage was at a minimum and rather internal.
Now, I do not mean to imply that losing weight is easy. Nor do I mean to imply that everyone who struggles with weight has an underlying problem they are not addressing. You just don't have a chance in hell of succeeding at it, or anything else really, unless you value you. That prospect, self value, is a very scary thing indeed, opening an entire vista of challenges, risks and possible rejections. The unclear path is often avoided nowadays, an option for the "sure thing", and alas, our true lives, the one unanswered, remains down that path somewhere, an unknown we fear to tread.
Knowing I simply did not really want to succeed because I hated myself was a revelation to me, even though so many of you have tried to tell me, so many, many times before. I don't necessarily feel like I need to know the answer why I had all that self hate. The reason may come or it may not, it could be genetics, my upbringing, my environment, Mom, Dad, whatever. It doesn't really matter NOW does it, I have the key, I can go through the door if I want to, and I must respect myself for the decision, either way. Because it is my decision now, I own it, I control it, and I can do with it what I please, Right?