I have known this for the past year, but it bears repeating, I have really good blogging buddies. Why? Well mostly because no matter how much I repeat the same boring drama's in my life, they keep coming back, reading and commenting, and never once have said..."Hey, I already read that post"!
This morning I was thinking, Gee, even with all the revelations and epiphanies , it is hard to get going. Than I thought about how many revelations and epiphanies I have had. Then I thought about how many years I have had them...and then the awful truth took this train of thought and ran me over!
Its all part of the same cycle, even my revelations and insight, supposedly outside the cycle, are actually part of it,and keep it going. Still with me? Not sure I am either.
I went to a shrink once when I was depressed. I tried to talk about this almost every session, but invariably she directed the conversation back to my parents, my mother, and kept pushing the tissues closer to me each time. I got a bit tired of the same routine. I was not going to cry, and I was more interested on how to manage NOW, rather than re-hash the past indefinitely.
I thought it would be useful if I listed the elements of this cycle. Perhaps a kind psychologist out there will happen upon it and offer his or her diagnosis! We all like diagnosis don't we? Offer yours.
- The source, or beginning of the cycle, is that I am imperfect, I am "not me".
- To correct the flaw and be the "real me", I need to lose weight or change body image.
- I procrastinate much until I have achieved, and earned, the "real me".
- To change my body I need the perfect plan
- I need the perfect day to start and finish the perfect plan.
- Resistance prevents completion of perfect plan and dates.
- More reflection is required to find the "problem" of why I continue to resist.
- Eating increases while searching.
- Self hate of body image and procrastination increases and back to the start of the cycle.
In the old days my mother would yell at me, "your just in a rut"! I always imagined that I was stuck in some kind of ditch while my parents watched me struggle to get out. I could have used a bit of advice.
I can't really solve this dilemma with any part of the cycle above can I? I mean, if all the things that I have been doing are part of it, how can any one part of it get me out of the cycle? The only way would be to actually do the plan, get the body image I want and hold onto it indefinitely. I have achieved my goals in the past, but eventually I could not hold on and back I went into the cycle again, like dirty laundry.
All this planning, reflection, beginnings, they are all meaningless...just part of the same thing over and over and over again. It's really quite crazy. Dare I say insane?
The thing that sucks is that I really don't care so much about my body image anymore, its the things I don't do that piss me off. I feel I could be doing so much more, should be doing so much more and that I am prevented, stopped...by me...and an antiquated system of dealing held over from adolescence. Quite infuriating to have your own worst enemy be the person in the mirror.
There it is, all wrapped up in a neat little post. Am I missing something? Are there other things you have picked up in my posts that I have not realized yet? I want to know your thoughts if you have any on the subject, I could always use the advice.